Journey Updates
February 8, 2010 @ 08:57 am
I'm an introvert. I have a "mild personality" as one friend put it recently. I'm pretty bad at small talk and I generally keep to myself. I'm more comfortable watching a party than being in one. I like my quiet mornings alone. I prefer small dinner parties, not huge shin-digs.
I'm reasonably sure my personality has evolved into one that stays out of the spotlight and doesn't attract attention precisely because of my childhood experiences. I've always been a fat kid, and as many of us do I paid for that in jeers and jokes at my expense. So I learned to do as little as possible to attract attention of people - lest they notice me, notice my fat, and let loose. Obviously such reactions would be very rare in the adult world; we civilized grown-ups simply give dirty looks, smirk, and deftly turn to someone else to change the subject.
Though many people look to their past for inspiration in "skinny jeans" or "college weight," ... I have no personal benchmark of fitness to strive to. I've always been fat. And my personality has always been this way. I wonder what I will look like 100 pounds lighter. I wonder what I will be / think / act like 100 pounds lighter.
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0 comments | Topics: emotional healing, results, self-confidence
My Reasons For Doing This
January 28, 2010 @ 08:49 am
- Standing on the playground in grade school and wanting to play, but being told "no - only normal people can play, and you're not."
- The disgust - even anger - in my mother's voice when my newly trimmer father could fit in my jean shorts (that I'd become too fat for) ... "you're father shouldn't be able to fit in your clothes!"
- Trying to exist in a gay community that shuns the obese, listening to countless fat jokes and references not feet from me, and generally invisible at almost any social function.
This has been my life. Not for the last couple of years, not while in High School - this has been my life. And I am
ashamed of myself for being obese.
shame. noun. the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something
dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.1
According to cultural anthropologist Ruth
Benedict, shame is a violation of cultural or social values while guilt feelings arise from violations of one's internal values. ... Similarly, Fossum and Mason say in their book Facing Shame that
"While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's
actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." 2
Is being obese shameful? Not necessarily. In a non-emotional, purely logical school of thought, the very state of being obese or even just overweight may not be shameful but rather the behaviors surrounding it may be (laziness, gluttony, selfishness). For others it can be a legitimate emotional, psychological or physical issue that needs to be addressed. But none of that matters in the real world. In the real world, we shame our fatties. Because it's fun, because it makes us feel better about ourselves, because it's so damn easy.
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0 comments | Topics: emotional healing, self-confidence, shame
Goals
April 20, 2008
I went on a cruise as a teenager with my family, and I gotta say, I
enjoyed it. Even though I was fat, felt uncomfortable at the pool, and
sweat a lot throughout the Caribbean, I enjoyed it. I love traveling
and being in new places. I love to relax and saunter. I love being out
on the ocean, floating along. I've always loved big boats. My partner
really wants to go on one, and I'd love to see the Mediterranean, or
float on up to Alaska, or hopscotch the Hawaiian islands.
I'd like to go cruising again, but I want to enjoy it for every
little thing its worth. I want to sit by the pool or sun myself on the
top deck. I want to feel like I could walk around shirtless and not
gross anyone out. I want to look great in my suit at the formal dinner.
And since my partner really wants to go on a gay cruise, the pressure
to fit in feels all the more higher -- I want to be able to measure up
to some decent standard of fitness. I want to maximize the experience
of being on a cruise, and not feel a lick of self-doubt.
So as I lose weight, I'm going to seriously start planning a cruise.
It doesn't matter to where or the gay/straight ratio. I'd love to bring
along some friends and really have a great time, out in the sun,
without a care in the world - and far away from Blackberry coverage.
It'll happen. Not this summer, but probably next!
Read more about my weight loss goals
