Because I Don't Want to Abandon Ship Anymore

January 22, 2010 @ 11:46 am

"Gee, so and so has let themselves go..."

No one's ever said that about me because I was never ... well what's the opposite of letting go? Holding tight? I was never holding tight? That doesn't really work. Anyway, not the point. But for a great part of my life I did let myself go in a lot of ways beyond my weight because I just didn't care. I didn't like myself, I wasn't happy, I didn't enjoy day to day life. So why bother trying?

At my worst, my self-esteem and self-respect was so low that I didn't care about anything in my life. Not my hygiene, not the cleanliness of my house or my clothes. I didn't care about my health (obviously). I let problems persist until they were simply too big to be ignored any longer. I didn't care to shower every day, or even brush my teeth. The kitchen was a wreck, the fridge stank of spoiled food, a year's worth of mail piled up on the counter, dust bunnies ruled the wild west. Laundry was for emergencies, only. And ironing was a fool's errand.

Is it any wonder that when you watch the TLC "World's Fattest So-and-So" shows you see people living in squalor? The lack of self-respect that both fuels obesity and is caused by obesity extends beyond the body and into the daily "life" of those of us who lose control. One could explain away the filth by saying obesity makes it harder to keep things in order - but you know what? I was just lazy. I just. didn't. care.  My obesity isn't so grand that I can't function or move, I'm actually pretty active when I want to be. I just didn't want to be.

I didn't want to experience life. I didn't think I had the right to. I didn't respect myself enough to lose weight so why should I respect myself or my life or my home in any other way?

Obesity makes me lazy. It makes me filthy. And people see that; even if they can't point to it they can sense when someone just doesn't care about themselves. And so we move through a day without anyone caring - because if we don't care about ourselves we're not apt to inspire anyone to care about us on our behalf.  So I'm committed to this journey so that I can gain the energy and encouragement to respect myself in all ways beyond weight.

0 comments | Topics: depression, laziness, obesity, self-respect