Journey Updates
What Will My Thin Personality Be Like?
February 8, 2010 @ 08:57 am
I'm an introvert. I have a "mild personality" as one friend put it recently. I'm pretty bad at small talk and I generally keep to myself. I'm more comfortable watching a party than being in one. I like my quiet mornings alone. I prefer small dinner parties, not huge shin-digs.I'm reasonably sure my personality has evolved into one that stays out of the spotlight and doesn't attract attention precisely because of my childhood experiences. I've always been a fat kid, and as many of us do I paid for that in jeers and jokes at my expense. So I learned to do as little as possible to attract attention of people - lest they notice me, notice my fat, and let loose. Obviously such reactions would be very rare in the adult world; we civilized grown-ups simply give dirty looks, smirk, and deftly turn to someone else to change the subject.
Though many people look to their past for inspiration in "skinny jeans" or "college weight," ... I have no personal benchmark of fitness to strive to. I've always been fat. And my personality has always been this way. I wonder what I will look like 100 pounds lighter. I wonder what I will be / think / act like 100 pounds lighter.
I'd like to think I'll embrace social situations more freely. That I'll learn to enjoy and practice small talk. That I won't mind being in the center of a room, or talking to random people at a party, or hey - flirting with a fellow reader on the train. I wonder if I will still prefer to get my energy from quiet time or if I'll much prefer to go out dancing until the wee hours of the morrow.
If there's one theme I'm constantly reminding myself of it's that getting thin will not solve all my problems. It won't automatically give me confidence and self-esteem, it won't automatically make into a social butterfly. But I wonder how much of my personality is rooted in fat, and if I lose the fat, what does that mean for the "me" I've built over the years.
On the other hand, I wonder - if I'm not fat, who am I? Is it possible that part of my brain has grown so accustomed to these morose feelings and solitary attitudes that it doesn't want to be thin?
Or is this a chance to shape myself into the person I want to be. To take the confidence I do have from my work life and accomplishments and mix them in with newfound confidence in my appearance. To find a new sense of personal power and use that to live and act the way I want to, with an authority I craft within myself. The possibilities are endless. And I trudge on, losing weight day by day, and from this lump of lard slowing crafting the man I want to be.
1 Comment So Far
Darnfitness — Mar 23, 2010 @ 08:31 pm
This is very good post. You know what I think you should do? Start acting like you already shredded 100 pounds. Just pretend all day you are 100 pounds lighter. That should bring more of your real personality out, and even help you with your food choices (because you dont want to regain those 100 pounds back!)
Just build this personality and wear it. If you build it they will come!