My Reasons For Doing This
I Don't Feel Good
January 15, 2010 @ 07:38 am
Oh I'm fine physically. Had a head cold last week but it was short-lived. No, I feel well; I don't feel good. Actually I've been feeling pretty darn bad and that's been the impetus to get my act together and blog / work out / eat right, again. And I know that in time - and probably not a very long time - the endorphins will kick in and I'll start feeling good again. But for this post, I'm going to whine and moan, because it's my blog and I can. Go get your own (and then send me the link).I struggle with loneliness and depression, and I think it's a direct result of life-long unfitness. Thing is, I'm a happy person, generally. I enjoy my life, I enjoy my work, I enjoy my partner. I'm reasonably successful for a 26 year old. I live in one of the greatest cities in the world. And I'm pretty good at intellectually beating back my depression because I choose not to be depressed about life. Depression just leads me to eating, to lethargy, to not getting off the couch. I even avoid Debbie Downer types because I choose not to live life in the doldrums.
But I've never been able to beat back the loneliness. The Beau (new blog name for my partner) makes friends easily. He's gregarious, happy, friendly, flirty - people flock to him. They have crushes on him. They don't see me. Literally. Ironic since I'm twice his size.
Look at the pictures from the New Year's Eve party we went to and you won't find me. There are pictures of the people I was sitting next to at the table & pictures of my boyfriend. I'm mysteriously absent (and I wasn't even trying to avoid the camera, like normal). At the New Year's Even party before that, the host actually managed to greet & hug The Beau (standing next to me), and then greet & hug and carry on with the person standing on the other side of me.
I'm a quiet guy (recently described as "mild"). I've never really made friends easily and I don't put myself out there, but that's different than feeling outright ignored. Like furniture. It's there if you need it, but you don't think about going to the movies with an ottoman. And though not a single person at that party or any of our current spate of friends outright ignores me or dislikes me or has anything bad to say about me, there's just something that smacks of ... invisibility. I just don't know what to think or what to say or what to do when friends old and new will talk with The Beau for hours and days, but rarely engage with me or seem too terribly interested in carrying on a conversation - and hardly ever start them. It could very well be that I just suck at making small talk - which I admit freely.
I should probably find a way to tie this all into my weight loss journey in a pithy and hopeful way. But it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes, you just feel like crap. Lonely crap. Will it change? Yeah, probably, but I'll save the pithy stuff for another post.