What Will My Thin Personality Be Like?

February 8, 2010 @ 08:57 am

I'm an introvert. I have a "mild personality" as one friend put it recently. I'm pretty bad at small talk and I generally keep to myself. I'm more comfortable watching a party than being in one. I like my quiet mornings alone. I prefer small dinner parties, not huge shin-digs.

I'm reasonably sure my personality has evolved into one that stays out of the spotlight and doesn't attract attention precisely because of my childhood experiences. I've always been a fat kid, and as many of us do I paid for that in jeers and jokes at my expense. So I learned to do as little as possible to attract attention of people - lest they notice me, notice my fat, and let loose. Obviously such reactions would be very rare in the adult world; we civilized grown-ups simply give dirty looks, smirk, and deftly turn to someone else to change the subject.

Though many people look to their past for inspiration in "skinny jeans" or "college weight," ... I have no personal benchmark of fitness to strive to. I've always been fat. And my personality has always been this way. I wonder what I will look like 100 pounds lighter. I wonder what I will be / think / act like 100 pounds lighter.

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0 comments | Topics: emotional healing, results, self-confidence

Sunday Funnies

February 7, 2010 @ 08:36 am

0 comments | Topics: sunday funnies

The Fourth Great Attempt: Week 4

February 6, 2010 @ 10:29 am

When I think about this week, I have competing thoughts. On the one hand, it was kind of a tough week in that I'm not really seeing the results I want to see in either my weight or even my behavior. On the other hand, I feel okay about the overall journey, in spite of its slow-going.

Food

The week started off rough. I didn't drink nearly enough water and was most certainly dehydrated. That was combined with going to some friends' house for dinner. They served a pasta dish that was actually okay health-wise (white pasta, tomatoes, brussel sprouts), but I just ate too much of it, and too much bread, and of course my weakness for wine kicked in. By Monday morning I was up 2 pounds from Saturday. It took Monday and Tuesday to rehydrate, eat right, and drop those 2 pounds again.

Wednesday and Thursday and to a lesser extent last night (Friday), I binged again. Way more than usual. I don't really understand it but before I know it I've eaten a bunch of carb-heavy food for no reason other than being bored. That's gotta stop and it's probably why I'm at a mini plateau here. This is the first week I've reintroduced Weight Watchers ice cream sandwiches as a treat ... but knowing they're in the freezer makes my brain think about them and last night I had TWO, because I could. My thought is that they are jacking up my blood sugar right at the end of the day, inspiring me to try to keep it up for some reason and triggering my mind to want more carbohydratey food.  One sandwich bar as 28 grams of carbs and 11 grams of sugar - geeze! Not going to buy those again, they are clearly a problem for me.

I'm out of wine. I'm not going to buy more of that either, not for a while or unless we have guests. While a glass of wine is healthy and I do really enjoy it, I usually end up having two, not drinking water at night, and the alcohol screws with leptin and makes it easier to overeat. So I'm going to back off the bottle for a while.

Exercise

I have been going to the gym ever day for over a week. It feels good, I'm changing things up to keep it interesting, and best of all my heart is getting stronger. I have seen a definite drop in my heart rate while exercising. The calories burned is staying roughly the same, and I'm most assuredly keeping my intensity up and pressing harder and harder with greater resistances. But my maximum heart rate has barely crested 180 for about a week, and I've seen much longer times inside the "Zone" for weight loss + cardiovascular training. (In the past, I would routinely crest at a max rate of over 190 - even up to 199).

This is significant for me - in past chapters of this journey I've suspected my heart was getting stronger but I couldn't confirm it over several workouts and several machines (each one is different). Now I can definitely see the trend. Which means something is taking root in this journey, even if I'm not seeing the pound-over-pound weight loss I'd like to. I went for a week+ without strength training, focusing mainly on cardio and eating right. That's all well and good but the fact is I need muscle to burn more calories in the off times; so I'm going to start focusing on strength training more. I did it this week and used a slow-go approach MizFit described on her blog. 10 seconds up, 10 seconds down. It's a different kind of work out - I think I like it.

Results

My weight isn't dropping. I'm at a weird plateau of about 270 and change. I don't like it but there are other things to consider as well. Generally I feel good. I can feel all these minute changes in my body, in my clothes. My belt is on the fourth hole - and it's not cutting into me. That's new. I think my underwear is looser - it rides up a little more easily while working out (I'm sure you want to know that, but hey, it's a change). My heart rate is dropping. I'm taking my supplements every day and after several weeks of ratcheting up the omega 3 I haven't had as many headaches as I was having four weeks ago.

So maybe my weight isn't moving. That will probably change if I can get this high-sugar-binging-at-night thing taken care of. But something I want to start focusing on in my mind and will try to work into some meditation, is that I need to accept the positive aspects of this journey I am seeing. I'm eating better, cooking my meals, resisting processed foot, not eating out. I'm taking supplements and feeling better. I'm going to the gym every day. My heart. My belt. Et cetera. I need to learn to be more satisfied with the whole journey and not just my weight. A part of that is probably accepting myself at this weight ... something I've never been able to fathom.

Onwards we go.

2 comments | Topics: evalutation, progress

Weight Loss Goals (By The Numbers)

February 5, 2010 @ 11:40 am

While watching The Biggest Loser recently a couple of the contestants had big number-related goals, like getting below 200 or something. Those kinds of goals are big psychological boons - or if we're crossing them upwards, can be real demotivators. While watching one particular weigh-in The Beau asked if I any particular goal-numbers that I really wanted to reach. I didn't really have an answer.

I've structured my "goals" around the things I want to do some day but either haven't been able to or haven't let myself do because of my weight and obesity. I put those out for all to see because I can't wait to start checking them off one by one as I get more fit. But certain numbers do hold significance for me even if I don't consider them goal weights - more like milestones worth solemnizing, or something. Anyway here are some of the significant weight amounts I've seen over the years:

325ish pounds
My theoretical maximum weight. I don't think I've ever gone above this and frankly, I think I would have to be pretty incapacitated and just give up on life to do so. When I get near this number, I can feel it really weigh me down (no pun intended).

300 pounds
A rough barrier for me. Most of this blogging journey has been spent above 300 - getting below it has been tough, my body's holding onto it for some reason. Even though I'm below it right now, I'm still a little too close for comfort, so I'm not sure I consider this barrier beaten just yet.

280 pounds
This is roughly what my weight was when I moved to New York in April 2005. In the 2.5 or so years after that I put on a good 30+ pounds (stress!). I would love to be at or near this level by the 5 year anniversary (of both my move and my relationship with The Beau) - in a couple of months.

250 pounds
Passing through the 250 level would put me closer to what I was around my Freshman year of college. I never actually weighed myself much back then. But I think this would be a good number to reach by my next family vacation at the end of July - two years after my grandfather's fateful insults words.

230 pounds
In my senior year of high school, I managed to lose 30 pounds and reach around 230, but no, I'm not going back on the binge-and-purge diet.

225 pounds
Until last year I carried a California driver's license and this was the weight printed on it. Total lie. New York doesn't print weights on its licenses but when I ultimately lose a lot of weight, I'm SO getting a new picture.

199 pounds
My theoretical goal weight. My BMI will still be "overweight" at this level (and actually, this is just below "obese"), but by the time I reach this amount, I intend to be doing MUCH more strength training, so at that point I'm probably going to stop caring about BMI entirely. But I don't even remember the last time I was below 200 ... It was probably before high school. Probably well before high school. 

171 pounds
Officially my "ideal weight" according to the BMI. But I don't actually expect to ever get to this level, if for no other reason than I expect to build muscle that will "weigh" me down more.

0 comments | Topics: BMI, The Beau, The Biggest Loser, goals

Creative Ways to Get Your Cardio

February 4, 2010 @ 02:00 pm

The treadmill, elliptical, rowing machine, stair climber. All basic forms of getting your cardio. But also really boring after a while. My gym has TVs at each machine to help ease the dull roar, but there are plenty of other ways to get a great cardio workout. Here's a couple of sample videos. The first is boxing - I'd really love to learn how to do this stuff some day. Something about the sheer force and raw power of hitting a bag combined with the need to dodge and weave. I'm not particularly combative but boxing has always interested me as a sport I'd like to try.

0 comments | Topics: boxing, gym, rock-climbing, sports, workout

Fatties and the People Who Hate Them

February 3, 2010 @ 10:38 am

I recently posted about a phenomenon of some who are attracted to fat people. I don't really like people being attracted to me because I'm fat.  But at the same time, I don't want people to judge me - or any other obese or overweight person - on the basis of this one burden, either. There is a stigma attached to obesity that we cannot escape as long as we are fat. And yet we consistently have to deal with people who hate us because we're fat. But this is an attitude that is pervasive throughout - perhaps even intertwined with - our American culture.

The majority of people don't like fat people.  To be perfectly honest, I cringe when I see fat people be it on TV or walking down the street. My cringe is a mix of pity, regret, worry, and a sense that our country's in trouble. But I know what being obese is like - I know how hard it is, how much we struggle, and I empathize with my fellow fatties. Others? They don't even bother. For many people being fat is not merely a sign of weakness, it's an opportunity to dehumanize others. To them, we are lazy, incompetent, have nothing worthwhile to offer, are bad role models, and are generally subhuman. At best we are to be ignored, at worst ridiculed or abused. Fat people are denied jobs, denied respect, no matter how good they may be at something.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is a health nut at age 70. So much so, that:

He does find time, at least twice a week, to slip on a pair of black Lycra stretch pants to do yoga with Landra at their apartment in the Ritz-Carlton. He has an intolerance for fat people, manifested in asides to aides who seem to be getting portly and an office staff that is suspiciously slim.¹

Former presidential candidate and patriarch of the modern political scandal John Edwards was no fan of his larger constituencies. In his book about his former boss Andrew Young points "portrays Edwards as preening and arrogant, an Atkins dieter who hated making campaign stops at state fairs where 'fat rednecks try to shove food down my face.'" ²

Or take this offensive, misogynistic, judgmental and vapid exchange between Faux News' Neil Cavuto and the bombastic self-described "chubbie-ist" (as in "racist") Michael Karolchyk (who founded an offensive and completely misguided gym in Denver).  In it, they're questioning whether the then-nominee for Surgeon General (she now holds the position) was too fat for the job:

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0 comments | Topics: discrimination, obesity, shame

Dealing with Chafing

February 2, 2010 @ 01:09 pm

I'm a big guy (for now) with big thighs, a big butt, and an overhanging gut. I gots me some skin, and lots of it. And moving this 300-pound body takes no small amount of energy, and it generally results in a lot of jiggling and friction. Because I have so much fat in certain areas, I it tends to rub together. And when I'm exercising or just being active in general, I sweat. Altogether, it makes for chafing. And chafing is unpleasant and threatens to derail any weight-loss effort.

For the record, chafing is the irritation of the skin - even a downright open sore - that is most often caused by constantly rubbing something against wet skin. Most often, when we sweat (and us big guys sweat) it creates the perfect environment for wrecking the skin. And anything can cause chafing - from your thunder thighs to your pants waist or belt.

I've had a long battle with chafing since the earliest days of starting to work out (what, 3+ years ago now?). Of course for me, just walking through Central Park can result in some nasty pain. It's not fun. It kills work outs. It's a big demotivator. So over the years I've learned ways to deal with it, minimize it and not let it affect my weight-loss efforts.

Wear the Right Underwear

Clothes fit everyone differently and as our bodies change shape, this item will change for you as well. But the right underwear is crucial for ensuring a comfortable under-shorts experience. Experiment with different cuts to see what works and more importantly, what doesn't just rub against your skin non-stop. For me, boxer-briefs have been a godsend in helping to prevent the kind of thigh-rubbing that was hurting me most. And I make sure they're snug - downright near-wedgy - to make sure I'm properly covered.

But even if boxer-briefs ain't your thing, consider some spandex shorts under your normal workout clothes (please, wear something else over the spadex). The key thing here is that you don't want your skin rubbing against itself, and you don't want loose damp clothing to rub against your skin (or between your legs) either.

Try a Waxy Lubricant, and Stay Dry with Baby Powder

Occasionally if my chafing problem is particularly bad (especially in the summer) and I'm going for a walk or out to a party or some social function, I use Body Glide. It's basically a waxy lubricant that comes in a deodorant-stick and puts a thin coating to protect the skin. It does help, just don't use too much because it can build up in a weird way. But it's gotten me through a bunch of summer functions where I would otherwise not have been able to walk well. I also use baby powder on occasion to help keep certain nether regions dryer. It's worked with limited success. 

Change Out of Your Gym Clothes

Don't sit around in your sweaty undies and clothes. All you'll be doing is keeping that wet, irritating cloth against your skin when your skin really needs to dry out and breathe. When I go to the gym I always bring a fresh pair of undies, no matter how much I sweat that day. And while you're at it, always be as dry as possible before putting on fresh underwear. Dryness is key here. Dry, Dry, Dry.

Stay Clean

After a work out, immediately shower and soap up, and be sure to soap up parts where the sun don't shine - like where your gut hangs down (if you're anything like me).  Remember that chafing is a skin irritation that can quickly become an open sore. There's a bunch of bacteria all over you and when you sweat and work out, you're more apt to get that bacteria onto or into your chafe, which will just prolong the sore. I've found that when I soap up areas that feel like they're chafing, it goes a long way to nip it in the bud and I don't have a problem.

Alter Your Workout

If you sense you have a chafing problem coming on, try something else in your work out until it goes away. A chafing problem properly dealt with early on will disappear in a day or so. So if you're a cardio fiend, switch to a little strength training for a day and keep your cardio lighter.

0 comments | Topics: tips

Fatties and the Chasers Who Love Them

February 1, 2010 @ 10:15 am

This is a weird post for me to write. On the one hand, there's people's personal preferences and I am not one to judge those. On the other hand, there's an element of embarrassment for me in it. And I don't speak for the world here, I don't speak for other fat people. And I'm probably going to ramble a bit. But here goes.

I know guys who are into me because I'm obese. They're attracted to fat. And while it's always flattering to have someone attracted to you, at the same time it makes me feel awful.

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0 comments | Topics: obesity, relationships

Sunday Funnies

January 31, 2010 @ 09:29 am

Hehehe, so for this week's Sunday Funnies we have a "guest spot." Well not really, its more like a link. To a funny comic (one of The Beau's favorites). It's MADE. FROM. CORN, jerkface.

0 comments | Topics: The Beau, sunday funnies

The Fourth Great Attempt: Week 3

January 30, 2010 @ 12:00 pm

This week we had house guests. Normally that's a dicey thing, but one of them was a friend from California (alma mater) who we get along quite well with. We had a lot of fun. And it was a successful week for him as well (he was here for grad school auditions). And despite having a friend in town which often leads to a variety of dining out or just dining poorly, I still got to cook most meals and eat healthy. Well, for the most part.

I took a few more licenses in the first part of the week than I would have liked. Sunday we had a full day and so I chose to not go to the gym and sort of have a cheat day. But even in my "cheating" I tried to remain faithful to healthy eating and we ended up walking well over 2-3 miles around the city getting from one thing to another. Brunch with friends, then a play written by one of them, then to a bar where I had some nachos but only wine.

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0 comments | Topics: evalutation, progress

Shame, Shame, Shame! The Scarlet Letter of My Obesity

January 28, 2010 @ 08:49 am

• Standing on the playground in grade school and wanting to play, but being told "no - only normal people can play, and you're not."
• The disgust - even anger - in my mother's voice when my newly trimmer father could fit in my jean shorts (that I'd become too fat for) ... "you're father shouldn't be able to fit in your clothes!"
• Trying to exist in a gay community that shuns the obese, listening to countless fat jokes and references not feet from me, and generally invisible at almost any social function.

This has been my life. Not for the last couple of years, not while in High School - this has been my life. And I am ashamed of myself for being obese.

shame. noun. the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.¹

According to cultural anthropologist Ruth Benedict, shame is a violation of cultural or social values while guilt feelings arise from violations of one's internal values. ... Similarly, Fossum and Mason say in their book Facing Shame that "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." ²

Is being obese shameful? Not necessarily. In a non-emotional, purely logical school of thought, the very state of being obese or even just overweight may not be shameful but rather the behaviors surrounding it may be (laziness, gluttony, selfishness). For others it can be a legitimate emotional, psychological or physical issue that needs to be addressed. But none of that matters in the real world. In the real world, we shame our fatties. Because it's fun, because it makes us feel better about ourselves, because it's so damn easy.

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0 comments | Topics: emotional healing, self-confidence, shame

Some Thoughts on Today's Weigh-In

January 27, 2010 @ 12:24 pm

Today I weighed in at 299.5 pounds.  That's under 300 (yay!) but a half pound up from Sunday morning (boo!). And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in it.  It's fabulous to be under 300 after just a couple of weeks. In the past that used to take a month or more IF I ever got below 300. But I'm skirting the edge, there, and I'm hesitant to take too much pleasure in it without waiting for additional, confirmatory results as they say in science class.  At just a half-pound off from the Big Bad 3, I could easily end up back above the mark next week.

What was it, I think to myself. Was it going out for Brunch on Sunday (despite walking in excess of 2 miles all over the place immediately after)? Was it eating that whole personal pizza I made a couple days ago when I should have just half? Was it the 2 (3?) glasses of wine I drank last night? Is my body reacting negatively to the supplements I've been taking (nothing big, either, just omega-3 and some green tea)? Or is it just ... a slow week?

I learned from The Biggest Loser a couple weeks ago that the second week is awful for weight loss. I thought "hrm, really?" and then wham! Here we are with a 1.5lb loss. Yeah, I guess that could be true.

But there are glimmers of hope in today's weigh-in, too.  Because I AM below 300. I. Am. Below. 300. Take it, own it, embrace it. A little loss is still a loss. But perhaps more importantly, my body fat percentage was a full 8/10ths of a percent lower than last week. 39.5% - versus 40.3% last week. Now that's significant! It's a big drop in body fat, bigger than any previous week-to-week change in this journey. Which means, assuming the measurer thingy on my scale isn't just wildly off, that something is going on inside my body and gearing up for weight loss. Perhaps I did actually lose a good amount of fat this week, but I also gained muscle.

Let's look at it this way. Last week you could say I was lugging around 121.3 pounds of pure, globby, bouncy-castle FAT. This week, I'm lugging around 118.3 pounds of fat.  That's actually 3 pounds of fat loss (I'm probably taking some liberties here with the maths and science, but it works for me). I actually feel better about that. It's a full 1% of my body weight. And it means I've gained some muscle.

So I feel good and bad about the weigh-in. But that just goes to show you why you can't rely solely on weight as an indicator of health or progress.

0 comments | Topics: The Biggest Loser, body fat percentage, evalutation, progress

Food Logging - Honestly and Integrally

January 26, 2010 @ 01:35 pm

Since starting this journey a few years ago I've heard tell of food-logging. Many swear by the importance of writing down what they eat. I ignored them. First off, there was no easy way to do that. I don't carry a notebook with me everywhere, which means I have to remember later what I ate. That turned out to be kind of hard (a problem in and of itself). What's worse, after writing down what I ate, I had to figure out what that meant in numerical terms.  Calories. Weight Watchers Points. Whatever.

I was on Weight Watchers for a while and found good success with it. I think it's a great program. I eventually unsubscribed because I just wasn't using it or being healthy at all. The fact is, I don't want to run to the computer every time I eat, log into a website, look up the points, record it, and stare at it.  They didn't really have an iPhone application at the time I was actively using their program (now they do, and it's probably great). So part of the problem is that I have to find a convenient way to record what I'm eating, and the other part of the problem is finding the actual health quantities for what I'm eating (i.e. calories).

Right now, I'm focusing on eating healthy. I'm focusing on eating a good balance of nutrients - protein, carbohydrate, omega-3 and other healthy fats. I actually don't care about calories right now. I just want to eat right. I want to eat whole, natural foods. I'm cutting out as much processed stuff as I can. And that solves the second part of the problem - if I don't care about calories, I don't need to track them.

Enter Twitter, Stage Right.

The easiest way for me to track what I'm eating is Twitter.  I have it handy on my computer, I have it handy on my iPhone, and my iPhone is always in my pocket. I created a new Twitter account - @LWDFoodLog - which I can easily post what I eat right when I eat it. I just whip out my phone, jot it down real quick, put phone away. Voila! Food logging!

For an extra-special level of accountability, I make my food log public. You can follow the Twitter account (though why you would want to, I don't know). I also have a little computer doodad that goes out and grabs that Twitter feed and publishes it right here on my site for all to see. And it's working.

I've been sticking with it for a couple of weeks, and I'm pretty happy with it. I'm happy with my progress. I'm happy to look back over the days and see that I've largely eaten well. Almost no High Fructose Corn Syrup, very little sugar - just healthy, natural, live foods rich in good stuffs. But there are mistakes too, there are times I binge, times I go a little crazy eating anything I can find. And that's the key to food logging - being 100% forthright with everything you eat.

I log everything that goes into my mouth that isn't water (well ...). Occasionally I screw up. I log those too. If I didn't log everything, there would be no integrity to the food log and I might as well log nothing. Because if I can't actually see what I'm eating, I'll never learn. If I don't honestly record what I eat, any doctor or nutritionist I enlist to help me down the road won't have all the facts. And practicing these levels of honesty and integrity with something so simple as food logging teach me to be honest with myself in every area of my health.

0 comments | Topics: food and eating, tips, weight loss tools

Stuff Worth Noting

January 26, 2010 @ 09:10 am

As I read and study up on obesity and learn all I can to enrich my weight loss journey, I find a few key things I want to remember. Every so often I'll post them up here to share and remember down the line.

News & Science

Eating Junk Food Will Spoil Your Mood (Diet Blog)
Writing in The British Journal of Psychiatry, experts found that consuming a lot of processed food--such as desserts, fried food, refined grains, processed meat, and high-fat dairy--actually raised the likelihood of depression. It's more than sugar highs and lows or crashing - it's the chemicals that go into the processing of food, turning it from something wholesome and fresh to something preserved. I'm not sure we really know what we're doing to ourselves.

Play, Then Eat: Shift May Bring Gains At School (NYT)
Schools that rearrange recess to be before lunch see marked increase in attention, better eating habits. Could this be another tool to systematically beat back child obesity?

Obesity System Influence Diagram
Just in case you thought obesity was a simple matter of being too lazy. An attempt to chart the various influences and feedback loops that trap so many in this plight.

After a Year of Learning, the First Lady Seeks Out A Legacy (NYT)
And that legacy will be child obesity prevention and reduction. Finally some attention from the White House on a major issue affecting the health care issues they value so highly.

American Obesity Rates have Plateaued (NYT)
Likely because we've hit the limit of those genetically predisposed to obesity, not because of any good effort to educate and improve health.

Tips & Tricks

Super Slow Weight Training (MizFit)
MizFit discovers strength training very slowly (10 seconds up, 10 seconds down) makes her workouts faster and more effective. Because her muscles mutiny sooner.

Inspiration

Kepa & Mary went bungee jumping! Hoooly crap. I don't even do ladders well - I don't think there's any chance of getting me to jump off a perfectly good platform, no matter how skinny I am. But seriously you two, rock on.

Weight Loss Success Story: Max Fargotstein
Dieting here, exercising there, but never simultaneously, nor with any results, Fargotstein had all but thrown in the towel. While celebrating the Super Bowl last year, a friend's father showed up minus his spare tire ... That was enough to inspire him to give it another shot, this time combining new eating habits with regular exercise at the gym twice a week.

0 comments | Topics: inspiration, news, stuff worth noting, tips

The Fourth Great Attempt: Week 2

January 25, 2010 @ 08:55 am

So I kind of forgot about doing my weekly check-ins over the weekend. Here's how week 2 went (which was last week).

The week was good.

Thanks, the end.

Thinking back through it I don't know as there's a whole lot to report. It actually seems a long time ago that I did my weigh-in (Wednesday) and was 6 pounds or 2% down. I was really happy with that. I'd wanted to break through 300 on the first week since I was so close, but I've only ever lost 7+ pounds once, so should expect more modest gains. Since the second full-week weigh in is coming up this week, I'm not really sure what to expect. They made an interesting point on The Biggest Loser (from which I'm learning a lot, which is surprising, actually) that the second week is tougher to get good gains. It's something I knew but that codifies it.  A quickie weigh-in on Sunday showed down 2 pounds, which is under 300 finally.

So we'll have to see what happens. It's not all about the weight, either. One day a week I'm doing some good strength training. Nothing too focused, just enough to build a little muscle mass to counterbalance the fat. That should help my body fat percentage drop, too, which is just as important if not more important than the weight number itself.

We have a friend visiting this week. I took Sunday off from the gym and sorta from the "diet."  I didn't really binge or anything, though. I had a normal breakfast, and then we went to brunch with some other friends where I had an omelet and some potatoes. It was more than I would normally eat but I tried to be as judicious as one could. I didn't stuff myself or force myself to clear my plate - which is new! Progress! I'm learning! And though I didn't go the gym I did kind of force us to walk the two miles from the restaurant to the theatre. Welcome to New York, my Californian drive-everywhere friend! (Meh, he's fit and in college, he can take it.)

Every morning I've been doing some meditation and visualization. It's a tool I haven't really talked about yet, so I'll not give too much away just yet but suffice it to say it does make for a more relaxed and peaceful day.

I'm now facing a work week where I have puhlenty to do. Deadlines coming up. Travel starting next week. It's gonna be a busy couple of weeks but I'm happy that I've gotten a solid start to this journey before dealing with the perils of traveling-while-fat. I'll continue to hit the gym. I'll continue to meditate. I'll continue to work on my healing. And I'll continue to lose weight.

0 comments | Topics: progress

Sunday Funnies

January 24, 2010 @ 09:14 am

0 comments | Topics: sunday funnies

How I Choose a Gym

January 23, 2010 @ 01:00 pm

I first tried losing weight in college, where I had free access to a weight room and cardio equipment ... and never ever went. I was scared. I hated the idea of being in a space where I was the fattest in the room. I thought I would feel like I looked the desperate blob haplessly struggling against the weight, like a cartoon or a joke. I sabotaged myself before I even started. So instead I tried to run laps around a darkened parking lot after the sun went down (it was California ... never got cold).

Fast forward to New York and I found myself ridiculous. I had to bite the bullet and sign up with a real gym. So I weighed my options and ended up at an Equinox near my office.  Ultimately, though, The Beau and I moved into a nice apartment building that had it's own very-well-equipped fitness center and I didn't have to go to a public gym anymore. But then we moved again and it was time to sign up for a new place to work out.

Finding a place to work out is a tricky thing for someone like me. For starters, the gym still makes me nervous. I feel exposed, I feel vulnerable, and there are a lot of fit people about while I'm waddling from the locker room to an elliptical (I dont' really waddle, but I feel like it sometimes).  So here's the kinds of things I look for when I join a gym.

Variety of Cardio Equipment

Treadmills are about the most boring piece of equipment on the planet. Plus they're hard on the knees and shins. I actually don't use them very often so I prefer to see what other equipment the gym has. Having plenty of elliptical machines is key, plus other stranger equipment that works the body in other ways. I haven't explored all the options at my gym, but I will.

Weight-Floors vs. Assisted Strength Training Machines

There are two basic kinds of strength training set-ups. One is the kind of equipment that involves weight-plates and a lot of clanging and banging and muscleheads change around the equipment. These things are usually all grouped together on a weight-floor and populated by fitter people than I. They make me self conscious, but I need strength training. So I look for a gym that has a complement of assisted strength training machines preferably somewhere else in the gym. These machines are the ones where the weights are built into the machine and you can change the resistance by moving a pin. My gym has two sets of these away from the main weight-floor, which makes it a little more comfortable for me to strength train.

Crazy Amounts of Mirrors

If I ever meet someone who designs gym interiors (yeah, that's a gay-guy's way of saying it) ... I'm going to smack them in the head.  And I'm going to do it in front of a mirror. Because they freaking love mirrors. It's one thing to have a mirror where one strength trains supposedly to check for good form while weight-lifting (and pure vanity, don't kid yourselves). But there is no reason to line every square inch of a gym with a mirror. No 300+lb obese person wants to watch themselves waddle on a treadmill when they already know what they look like. Mirrors like those are superfluous. So I try to find a gym that doesn't have too many mirrors. My current one totally fails this, by the way. They even have mirrors on the stairwell. What the hell?

Cardio Distractions

Because there are so many damn mirrors I need a good distraction while I'm working out on the cardio machines. So I look for a gym with televisions and head-phone jacks on the machines. And not just those TV's that hang above everyone so you have to watch Days of Our Lives, or whatever. Now a lot of gyms have individual "CardioTheatre" setups where each machine gets it's own little TV and tuner. Perfect! And a must-have.

Locker Room Layout

So as if being out on the gym equipment didn't make me feel vulnerable enough, the locker room cinches the deal. So I look for a gym who's locker room at least offers the illusion of privacy while I'm changing with nooks and crannies to hide in. And private shower stalls. And a decently-sized steam room (which has nothing to do with privacy but at least is something nice to have).

Price

You'll have a budget of some sort, probably, but be aware you get what you pay for. When I was a member of Equinox one of the things that sold me on the chain was that each specific club tries to cap the number of members they have, to keep it from getting crazy-crowded and unpleasant. That, of course, meant a higher price. On the other side of things the discount gyms that you see on TV most often make money in the volume of members, and they're equipment might not be as good or might be old. So I went with a medium-grade gym this time, and have been happy with it so far.

Others' Reviews

This is the Internet-era where everyone comments about everything online. So don't pick a gym without seeing what other people have to say about it. There are reviews on Google Maps or Yelp - or just search for the name and location of your gym with the words "reviews." When I moved to Manhattan I had the options of about 4 gyms. The closest had terrible reviews online so I skipped it. Another was a very nice gym, but the reviews made it sound like a trainers' gym - or one that die hard fitness pro's went to - and said it had small locker rooms, so I skipped it. The gym I chose - NY Sports Clubs - is a chain, but when I searched for my specific location the reviews were great, saying its one of the best NYSC in the city. Bingo.


So those are some the various things that I think about when I go gym-shopping as a self-conscious, private worker-outter. I'd love to hear what you look for, or what kinds of things you've found when you're trying out a new place to get fit.

0 comments | Topics: gym, tips

Because I Don't Want to Abandon Ship Anymore

January 22, 2010 @ 11:46 am

"Gee, so and so has let themselves go..."

No one's ever said that about me because I was never ... well what's the opposite of letting go? Holding tight? I was never holding tight? That doesn't really work. Anyway, not the point. But for a great part of my life I did let myself go in a lot of ways beyond my weight because I just didn't care. I didn't like myself, I wasn't happy, I didn't enjoy day to day life. So why bother trying?

At my worst, my self-esteem and self-respect was so low that I didn't care about anything in my life. Not my hygiene, not the cleanliness of my house or my clothes. I didn't care about my health (obviously). I let problems persist until they were simply too big to be ignored any longer. I didn't care to shower every day, or even brush my teeth. The kitchen was a wreck, the fridge stank of spoiled food, a year's worth of mail piled up on the counter, dust bunnies ruled the wild west. Laundry was for emergencies, only. And ironing was a fool's errand.

Is it any wonder that when you watch the TLC "World's Fattest So-and-So" shows you see people living in squalor? The lack of self-respect that both fuels obesity and is caused by obesity extends beyond the body and into the daily "life" of those of us who lose control. One could explain away the filth by saying obesity makes it harder to keep things in order - but you know what? I was just lazy. I just. didn't. care.  My obesity isn't so grand that I can't function or move, I'm actually pretty active when I want to be. I just didn't want to be.

I didn't want to experience life. I didn't think I had the right to. I didn't respect myself enough to lose weight so why should I respect myself or my life or my home in any other way?

Obesity makes me lazy. It makes me filthy. And people see that; even if they can't point to it they can sense when someone just doesn't care about themselves. And so we move through a day without anyone caring - because if we don't care about ourselves we're not apt to inspire anyone to care about us on our behalf.  So I'm committed to this journey so that I can gain the energy and encouragement to respect myself in all ways beyond weight.

0 comments | Topics: depression, laziness, obesity, self-respect

Site Maintenance: Commenting Fixed

January 22, 2010 @ 11:37 am

Quick blog maintenance post - I fixed the comments thing! I discovered they weren't working so now they are. If anyone's out there and wants to contribute a comment or two, now you can! Thanks :)

0 comments

The Outside Is a Sign of What's Inside

January 21, 2010 @ 09:56 am

This is the first season I've ever watched The Biggest Loser. I'm not a reality fan and from afar I thought the premise of rapidly losing dozens or a hundred-plus pounds in a couple of months wasn't a good thing. But this season I've picked up on it, and despite the fact they scare the hell out of me, I find the trainers to be really good at what they do; not just with the physics of weight loss, but their ability to get inside the heads of their subjects and help them holistically.

In this week's episode there was a remarkably insightful moment between Jillian the trainer and Migdalia on the green team. The video isn't available yet so here's a quick recap: Migdalia was having a rough time but not talking about it. Jillian was trying to get inside her head. Jillian pressed and pressed and Migdalia played the role of the tough player who doesn't let her emotions show. It got more and more heated, and there was a glimmer of a moment that really resonated hard with me.

It was the moment where after pressuring her charge to embrace her emotions, Jillian asks if she likes herself. Migdalia says no. Jillian asks why. She won't answer. She deflects. She refuses to acknowledge her feelings or figure out what they mean. She wants to do what she's always done - swallow them, hide them, run from them, eat to make them go away.  She ultimately says to Jillian that she's here to change her physical appearance and her health, but she doesn't need to change who she is and how she deals with life.

And that was the moment that clicked for me. It was only a couple seconds long and yet it was like a lightbulb of fireworks going off inside my head.

I said to her (and to myself, out loud, like a crazy person) - what's wrong outside is a sign of what's wrong inside.  My whole life I've kept to myself in a self-defeating cycle of hiding my emotions and eating to deal with them. Facts are that I have a lot of emotional baggage and despite feeling like I'm well-adjusted and able to deal with life's pressures, some of that baggage does still haunt me because I don't think I've ever really addressed it head on. And I should.

I have a feeling that I'll actually succeed, and stop holding onto this weight, only when I deal with it, address it and internalize the forgiveness and release that's required. So that's what I'm going to have to do. Which is kind of a bigger deal than it seems, actually.

I can barely remember half of the things I should probably deal with. I'm so good at suppressing and hiding from the things that have hurt me I feel like I can't remember half my life, maybe more than half my life. I've forgotten many names of people; I've forgotten whole people's existences and don't know who they are despite ample pictures and having spent 5-6 weeks on the road with them (concert group, long story). So I have to spend some good time dredging up the past in my mind, trying to remember and even relive life's less savory experiences, and then address them head-on.

What does that look like today? Many would think its best to confront those that have hurt you. In my case, I have no way to contact most of them and it probably wouldn't do much good anyhow. But I can deal with it personally, I can release the pain I've held onto, and I can forgive. Through a process of remembering, addressing, writing, and meditating I will work through these things. And though I can't mail them all a letter, I can write it, and post it here, and release it once and for all.

So this is something I'm going to work through. I need to deal with the emotional issues that trigger me to retreat from the world and into the kitchen, or else I'll never succeed in getting thin, fit and healthy.

0 comments | Topics: The Biggest Loser, emotional healing