It's gonna be a crazy week for me - with travel and work. So here's a funny way to start the week, and forgive me if my posts tend to be more pictorial than prose this week.
posted 5/11/08 @ 11:17am | 2 comments
This week I'm learning more about taking the long view in life.
I'm in the middle of yet another stressful time at work. We have two major projects due on the same day in addition to everything else that's going on. Of course these all came up after vacation schedules were set so we've been on smaller staffs on and off for the course of the whole project. My own vacation is scheduled for the days after these things are due - and I fully intend to take advantage of doing nothing related to my job for those days.
But they are weeks off - and for the time being I'm stuck in the now. It would be easy to get bogged down, stressed out, depressed and all around unhappy with work and life because of all this. I'm probably missing out on some fun times with my partner and friends - I'm going to miss a friend's gig and probably a concert. But that vacation is just around the corner - I can see the future and it is pool side with a glass of wine and good friends, diet be damned.
Read the rest of this post and its comments here
posted 5/8/08 @ 08:03am | 2 comments
The human body wants to be healthy - and if we give it just a little nudge, it'll run as far as it can with it until the next nudge. Over the last year, I've lost hardly any weight, but that's largely because I keep giving up and falling off the horse, over and over and over. But almost every time I climb back up onto my battered and beaten old filly, I find that my body is ready and willing to start down the journey one more time.
Now there's been some talk in the fitness circles that if you lose weight, and then gain it back, it's harder to start losing it again. I've seen that in my own journey, so I believe it. But push a little bit past that and you'll begin to see the body respond wonderfully to the things we put it through.
Keep reading! Just click here for the full post
posted 5/7/08 @ 01:49pm | 1 comment
Every time you make a choice, you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And, taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a Heaven creature or into a hellish creature ... Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other. (CS Lewis)I'll be the first to admit that losing weight is not easy. My life is a testament to that reality. I'm 10 months into this journey and I'm just as fat as when I started. By any account, so far, I'm failing. But why?
There's more to this post, check it out here and leave a comment
posted 5/5/08 @ 07:01pm | 0 comments
I try not to make so many posts in a single week about my specific efforts or pats on the back, but this is an unusual week for me anyway.
For starters, work is getting crazier by the day. As if we weren't absolutely slammed with a huge project due in a quarter of the time actually necessary, we now have another large-ish project due on the very same day. And that's not even taking into account all the other clients I'm supporting. Boy howdy do I need a vacation - and I have one coming up around Memorial Day (seriously considering extending it).
The thing is, I react badly to stress. On the one hand - at the office and during the day I use stress as a great motivator. It keeps me alert, it keeps me on top of things, and I run my own little command and control center. But at home I tend to come crashing down, and then I start eating. Like crazy. And if I hadn't already taken precautions like buying microwave meals ahead of time, I'd be going out every day for $13+ lunches that are triple what I actually need to eat. Eating is comfort for me, it's what I do. I do it well.
There's more to this post, check it out here along with its comments
posted 5/1/08 @ 08:14am | 1 comment
If you're anything like me, some of the weight machines at the gym can really be intimidated. Sure, we all know what a bicep curl is, but do you know how to use that massive scary overhead cable contraption? Or that weird mess of misshapen metal you're supposed to contort into and the press against? That stuff is confusing - and it's somewhat embarrassing to spend too long studying the little graphic to figure it out.
Well the Internet, of course, is chock-full of exercise videos. Just search YouTube and you'll find all sorts of examples and big strapping jocks (and a few helpful average joes) showing all sorts of ways to use equipment - all in the comfort privacy of your home. But when you're actually at the gym, it would be helpful to be able to see examples of how to do the exercises whenever you need. Well, for that I have created myself a great little solution - one that I'm actually somewhat proud of myself for, so I simply have to share.
There's more to this post, check it out here and leave a comment
posted 4/30/08 @ 07:25am | 0 comments
It's Tuesday! And today that means...
posted 4/29/08 @ 07:19pm | 1 comment
It's been a rough week. I had all sorts of ideas for things to write this week, but it didn't happen. By the time I got home each day I was more tired than the day before, but the following morning meant getting up early and working again. On Wednesday my work day started at 6am. Every project was hitting at once this week like a tidal wave of deadlines and useless jerks I'm forced to work with sometimes. But then last night I went to a friend's gig, drank a lot of gin and tonic, enjoyed the company of friends, and it was wonderful. I woke up this morning feeling ... well, satiated. Like all the week's craziness washed away and its just a lazy, overcast Saturday morning.
I did not make it to the gym, but I did eat well - at least during the days. In ages past, crazy stressed-out work weeks usually led to big comfort-eating lunches. But this was the second week of being smart and going to the grocery store and stocking the office with microwave meals. I didn't always do as well at home - reaching for the ice cream and chips and God knows what else. But I'm counting on little wins here.
There's more to this post, check it out here along with its comments
posted 4/26/08 @ 09:59am | 1 comment
... which really just means I have no more excuses.
I went for a blood test a couple of weeks ago to see about my thyroid. I've long known that a messed up thyroid can hinder weight loss efforts, so I at least wanted to eliminate the possibility that all my efforts have been derailed by a tiny little organ. If nothing else, I'd find out that I just need to haul booty and work harder.
As it turns out, not only do I not have a thyroid problem, I have no blood problems. I have perfect blood. Better than perfect blood, my doctor tells me. No diabetes, no thyroid issues, no ... bunch of other things he said. And what really amazed him was my bad cholesterol was low, and my good cholesterol was actually quite high. In other words, I'm generally fit as a fiddle, blood-wise.
This post continues on another page, read it here!
posted 4/22/08 @ 06:13pm | 1 comment
There's kind of no way around it. What should have been a great ramp-up for spring and this new blog and all sorts of weight loss goodness, I basically ... didn't. Story of my life. I will say there was one good thing, however, on Monday I went to buy healthy microwave meals for lunch instead of going out for lunch every day this week. That was about where my good behavior ended, however.
I went to Starbucks a lot. I allow myself coffee these days but then I find myself getting something else - either for breakfast or for a snack. You know - that heavy on the butter fattening junk they have in that delectable case. If there were treats or other unhealthy goodies in the kitchen at the office, I ate them. Instead of making my own dinner, I stopped off the deli downstairs on the way home and got food from them - which is both expensive and unhealthy. Friday I even got my old drink at Starbucks, the Venti Iced Vanilla Latte. And no, of course I didn't go to the gym. At all. Just who do you think I am?
So it hasn't been good. I've got to change that once and for all. I'm finding some resolve in the latest "Inspiration" story I've posted, the story of LoseToGain - who has lost 236 pounds in about 2 years. I also added a new goal (Go on a Cruise!) and some motivational fit imagery to kickstart myself and get back on this journey the right way. And I decided to take Gina up on her suggestion - joining the President's Challenge.
Keep reading! Just click here for the full post
posted 4/20/08 @ 01:14pm | 0 comments
It's Spring!
And How! The last few days here in New York City have been absolutely beautiful. The sun shines bright, a cool breeze off the bay. And since I live on a small island in the East River next to Manhattan, it's all the more gentle and downright luxurious. Being outside is like being wrapped in a silk blanket of happy. No need for a coat anymore - it's springtime!
It was such a nice day this past Friday I just had to get out of my office for a few minutes (especially since I'm spending so much time in my office lately). The only downside was the random and jarring reminder found in my reflection in random glass windows or doors. It reminds me of exactly why I like wearing a coat.
The thing about a coat, is that it gives me the impression, the feeling of being hidden. I can wrap up in a coat, and psychologically pretend that my shame is obfuscated by the extra fabric. I did this all in high school too - I'd wear my Columbia wind-breaker-esque jacket on all day long, because in a way, it was comforting, protecting, in its own way.
Don't stop now - read the rest of the post here
posted 4/20/08 @ 07:27am | 0 comments
My partner and I are very much in love - and more so every day. He is
my world, my reason for waking up in the morning, my motivation for
working hard and occasionally hardly working. Any shred of time I get
to spend with him I try to take. And the idea that my being obese could
put that all at risk is sobering, downright frightening, and hurts more
than any of the other obesity realities I've blogged about thus far.
Now,
I know that he is not going to leave me me because I'm fat (though that has happened in the past). But being obese has a real impact on our
relationship - and what few problems we do have on occasion can be
traced in part to the effects obesity has on me. The reality is that in
my present state of physical being, I can't do or be everything that I
should be for my partner.
Keep reading! Just click here for the full post
posted 4/19/08 @ 09:00am | 2 comments
In my last post I talked about how being obese limits my friendships. A similar point is that being obese is lonely.
Search
the web for others who are on their weight loss journey and willing to
talk about it and you'll come up with few websites. You'll find fewer
still those who have consistently stuck with their commitments to lose
weight. Now try narrowing that to obese or overweight men who are
actually trying hard to lose weight and willing to talk about it. Now try narrowing that to gay men. There just aren't very many of us.
This post continues on another page, read it here!
posted 4/18/08 @ 07:23am | 1 comment
This is a tough one to quantify - because few people will ever admit
it. But ask any obese person walking down the street and they'll be
able to tell you that people don't like to be around, make friends
with, or generally associate with fatties.
I've never had a
lot of friends. In grade school and high school it was very much
because I was fat. Things are a lot clearer when you're younger because
your fellow children are brutally more honest. They tell you
they don't like you because you're fat. In another way of looking at
it, though, my being fat drove me into the back corner and generally
contributed to my being introverted, which ultimately leads to not
having a lot of friends since people can't get to know you.
This post continues on another page, read it here!
posted 4/17/08 @ 07:22am | 0 comments
You probably don't know the Karshner triplets by name, but if you watched television ads a few years ago, you probably have seen them. They were the spokesmen for Cingular - the three teenage brothers who just loved staying in touch, and then went to college, then came home from college, and then Cingular merged with AT&T, alas. In any case here's a reminder:
posted 4/16/08 @ 08:00pm | 2 comments
Over the years, life as an obese man has robbed me of my confidence. And with that loss went the faith in myself to speak up.
In
my mind I am opinionated. Things come together in my min and make sense
in ways many others wouldn't necessarily see. I have beliefs and world
views that I feel are valid and worth discussing. But I rarely speak up
with my opinion, or point of view, or even at all. If someone does
something stupid on the subway, or somehow affronts or offends me, I
generally let it slide and don't speak up, not even if I'd be entirely
right in doing so, even if standing up for someone else.
There's more to this post, check it out here and leave a comment
posted 4/16/08 @ 08:21am | 0 comments
"Being overweight can damage your career."
This Reuters article explains the results of a study that shows the
stereotypes surrounding obese people are alive and well in the
workplace.
The researchers found the results of all the studies examined were consistent in finding that people who are overweight are viewed more negatively in the workplace than those who are of average weight.I've built a pretty good career as a web professional; I don't know of an instance where my obesity prevented me from getting a job I wanted. But after the hiring, I have felt its impact.
The bias was felt most when overweight people applied for a job and went through the initial selection process with body weight found to be less of a factor at the performance evaluation stage, and with stereotypes having a minimum influence when it comes to promotions.
"Some of the basic stereotypes associated with being overweight include laziness, sloppiness, untidiness and lack of self-discipline and control," he said.
Keep reading! Just click here for the full post
posted 4/15/08 @ 11:20am | 0 comments
I love to travel. I love to be in Europe, sitting on a random plaza in
Amsterdam sipping espresso (espresso, i swear!), or exploring ancient
history in Bath (England), or just relaxing on a green hillside along
the banks of Lake Zurichsee - I love to travel. A major reason for
taking my last job was that HQ was in Frankfurt, and off to Europe I'd
go a couple times a year. I've been to Romania and Hungary three times,
Cameroon, and eventually I'll live in England (lost count as to how
many times I've been there already). Even within the US I love business
trips just for the sake of going places. I've driven cross-country
through the desert more times than I can remember.
I love to travel. I love to get on a plane and go places. But being obese does rob me of some of that joy.
Take
the airplane, for example. Airplane seats are notoriously narrow.
Flying Delta is downright painful. And even if I do get my giant ass
wedged in between the armrests, there's the matter of the seat belt.
Older planes were clearly designed before the age of American obesity -
where the seat belts are a good 6-10 inches shorter than more modern
planes. Virgin Atlantic I thought I would pop trying to strap myself
in. Even my favorite airline Continental has older planes with this
problem. Thank God I've yet to be in a situation where I have to ask
for a seatbelt extender. I promised myself I never would - and that
means losing weight.
There's more to this post, check it out here along with its comments
posted 4/14/08 @ 10:18am | 1 comment
Deep down, I know I don't look good. For all my partner's protestations
at this, by otherwise unbiased judgments, I'm no looker. For years I
was told "you have a cute face," with an implied "at least." I accept
that.
The thing is, when you're already resigned to the fact
that society at large, including friends, family, colleagues and random
people you meet that shy away from you for it, there's little more you
want to do. You can put lipstick on a pig, after all, but its still a
pig. So why bother?
This post continues on another page, read it here!
posted 4/13/08 @ 09:16am | 0 comments
This one is a mix of math and emotions. I have a deep-rooted problem of
comforting myself with food. Perhaps its tied to my ongoing battle with
depression, perhaps its something I sort of learned from watching my
mother's similar coping technique. But when I'm depressed, or upset, or
nervous, or generally down or bored, my coping mechanism is to eat.
Yes, this just leads to my being fatter, but there's a practical side
to it as well - it's expensive.
When I don't get groceries, I
order out for us. Pizza or Chinese or whatever. Unhealthy as all get
out, right? Yes - that's what dieters tend to focus on, right? Oh the
calories! But pizza (and/or breadsticks plus sodas and tip) can run $30
or more. Chinese, $20. And then there's lunch. When I'm going out for
lunch every day, I don't control myself well at all. I have this weird
thing that I'm afraid what I'm getting won't be enough, so I get a
little bit more. Say, a sandwich and a soup. or a bigger sandwich and 2
(yes, 2) cookies. Or even worse - in New York it's common to get food
from a buffet and pay by the pound (pounds!). I can easily run up a
lunch bill of $12-17 a day without breaking more of a sweat than the
walk from the office.
Keep reading! Just click here for the full post
posted 4/12/08 @ 05:06pm | 1 comment
Last summer I identified a few programs that insurers and governments were trying out in an effort to promote healthier living. Insurance programs are starting to build in Fat clauses that punish the obese and/or require improvement to keep deductibles and premiums lower. That makes sense. So does taxing fat, like the UK has considered. So would subsidizing healthy food, which few seem to try (though programs to get fresh produce into poor neighborhood bodegas are in their early stages).
Now it would seem that certain governments are getting heavier handed methods a shot. Take Japan, for example. Aside from sumo wrestlers, the Japanese don't have America's reputation for corpulence; even so, the rate of overweight adults has been increasing along with the rest of the industrialized world.
In a rather uniquely Japanese campaign, the government there is using mass media, public education, and peer pressure to encourage people to stay svelte. The most significant program? Requiring businesses to get their staff thin.
There's more to this post, check it out here along with its comments
posted 4/12/08 @ 03:30pm | 6 comments
Welcome to the new site!
I've been absent from my blog (and, alas, the gym) for a couple of weeks working on this little baby (also not feeling well, busy with anniversaries and birthdays, and other assorted activities). I've been wanting to do a lot with my blog - expand its features and make it more visually rich and inspiring. As a full-blown website, it also is something I truly have to invest in and maintain, which in turn motivates me to stay on track with my weight loss endeavors.
So what will you find here? Well - the blog is still here. Just click "Blog" above! But to make things a little easier, I've started classifying my blog entries into different series. For example, this is the third great attempt to lose weight. The first two - Chapters 1 and 2 - had varied bits of success and their own stories to tell. So I've given them their own sections in the Blog.
Joining the Blog are some new cousins ...
Progress
I got a lot of comments on my nifty little progress thermometer ... now that thermometer's been blown out into more detailed reports on how I'm coming along. The results aren't pretty right now, but soon they will be.
Goals
The Goals and Rewards I've been posting have been an important part of my weight loss journey. Now they get their own sections.
Motivation
What does a fit, healthy, trim, muscular male body - like the one I want - actually look like? Seeing my possible future self is motivational. And eye candy doesn't hurt either. Shirtless men abound (but it'll stay tasteful, I promise).
Inspiration
Lastly, the new Inspiration section tells the stories of others who are on this journey too. Losing weight is possible - and I know it because of the people I'll profile here. Every day I read a lot of blogs about nutrition, health and dieting - and I include some of the best posts here as well. Looking for pick-me-up? Check out the links from this section.
So welcome, again, to the new blog. Please comment. Email me new ideas, content, or your own stories. Spread the word with a link on your site. There's a new RSS feed so if you use a reader, be sure to pick it up! Let me know if you see anything wonky. In any case, I hope you enjoy it, and let me know how to keep improving.
posted 4/10/08 @ 08:11pm | 0 comments
This post begins a series where I'm forcing myself to understand the
havoc being obese wreaks or could wreak on my life. We all know the
basics of shorter life spans, high risk of heart attacks, etc. But all
of that is potential impacts and generally in the far future (or at
least, farther future) and isn't "real" for me. My obesity has a major
impact in my day-to-day life, and I need to realize the extent of it in
order to truly grasp the importance of this journey. Of all obesity's
chaos in my life, much of it is greatly influenced by the subject of
today's post - depression.
I've struggled with depression for a
significant part of my life. It's not something that I generally talk
about, and really only my partner has any inkling of how tightly it can
grip me and how badly its effects can wrack with my day to day life.
It's impossible, really, to know where depression comes from or why
it's hard to break out of it; part of it could be genetic (my mother
has depressive issues), but I also know that my battles with depression
have always been closely intertwined with my struggle with my weight.
It's
hard for anyone who hasn't experienced depression to understand it;
it's hard to describe it in a way that doesn't make me sound batty. For
a simple explanation, one should understand that I'm a big dreamer and
a consistent performer. I have eyes for big prizes and I've always been
the kind of person that is able to get things done and done well. I
like to stay in control of my life and at least have an idea of where
I'm going even if I don't have any specific goals at the time.
Depression robs me of any motivation, any drive, and really, any hope
of meeting my goals and living my dreams.
Depression, for me, is
an overwhelming capitulation to hopelessness, or an incessant and
nagging maxim of "Why Bother?" It sits me on the couch instead of
cleaning the house. It convinces me to overeat the carbs and sugars and
ice cream because it doesn't really matter - someone as fat as me
cannot possibly be thin and attractive. Depression instructs me to
order Chinese or pizza for the third time or more this week, because
don't you just feel too tired to cook?
My obesity comes into
play whenever I the reality of how fat I really am is made clear to me
- either through looking in the mirror or through some social
awkwardness or intimidation. Self pity and self doubt take root in my
mind, and soon after coalesce into loathing and self-hatred. I hate
myself for who I am, for being a constant failure in the weight loss
game, for robbing my partner of an attractive and enjoyable mate, for
wasting my life and money and time on food, for being so lazy that I
can't even motivate myself to the gym, and so on and so forth.
Being
obese is a direct contributor to my struggle with depression. Worse
still, my obesity feeds my depression and depression's self-loathing
feeds my obesity as I reach for that comforting pint of ice cream or
anything else consumable that might ease the pain my brain inflicts on
itself. This negative feedback loop is eventually broken as I haul ass
back to the gym and convince myself to finally go grocery shopping so I
don't have to order dinner yet one more time. But the impetuses for
breaking out of these depression cycles come harder and harder each
time. Even as I recognize when I'm just in a depression cycle and my
perception of reality is tainted, it's harder every time to ramp up and
get on with the right activity.
I will likely struggle with
depression for the rest of my life. Being thin won't solve all such
problems, but removing such a major contributing factor will certainly
help. Moreover, I'm pretty good at recognizing and understanding my
depressive cycles, and I think the major life win of losing so much
weight will help me break from them more quickly and easily over time.
And scoring such an important win will do much more wonders for my life
than some seratonin-adjusting pill ever could.
posted 3/19/08 @ 08:15pm | 1 comment
Each time I try and climb back on the horse, I fall off again. And I
usually fall off pretty hard. This latest failure began, as most good
failures do, with Christmas. I was doing so well. I'd caught up to my
horse, climbed back up, and started full tilt yet again towards my
goal.
I've had a lot of so-called 'secret weapons' on this
haphazard journey of weight loss. I started with some homegrown
strategy of zero caffeine, controlled and limited caloric intake (by
tracking calories), and trying to exercise twice a day. Despite a
rought start, I managed to stick with my general plan for quite a while
there - up to at least 6 weeks. Then cam vacation and I let myself slip
ever so slightly, and then I basically just ... stopped ... or
something. A lot was going wrong with my job in September, and I was in
the process of leaving it and under a lot of stress. I had to restart all over again after regaining everything I'd lost.
Restarting
was hard, and about a month later I started Weight Watchers. The weight
melted off at first, then waned just a bit (as expected). Then came
Thanksgiving, which was risky but I survived it pretty well. Christmas
was my end, however, and I just kind of gave up.
I'm not sure
why I've been having so much trouble with this. I've been at this
journey for over 8 months now, with absolutely no results.
I've
asked others about their motivation, tried to examine my own life and
thoughts and mind and heart, and continue to seek inspiration to get
myself off my ass and ride the elevator the 8 full floors to our
private gym. Like that's so hard?
I'm quite upset with myself.
And it's only some serious conversations with my partner that really
shock me back into the clear realization of how bad off I'd really
gotten. Over the next several days I'm going to be blogging the real
world impact of my obesity, as a way to make and keep it clear how
serious my situation really is.
I've restarted. I'm back on
Weight Watchers. I'm cooking again. I'm working out again - this time
in the mornings with a greater focus on weight training. I weighed in
this morning at 316. I'm back on my beaten down, duct taped and
hobbling horse and hoping - deeply - I can do it this time.
posted 2/28/08 @ 05:54pm | 1 comment
