More Tyler
Seriously, this guy's arm strength is unnatural. He's like an acrobat on that bar! Incredible
posted 9/11/08 @ 12:35pm | 0 comments
Seriously, this guy's arm strength is unnatural. He's like an acrobat on that bar! Incredible
posted 9/11/08 @ 12:35pm | 0 comments
No weight loss this week. No weight gain either. I'm successfully maintaining a weight of less than 300 pounds. In my head, I know this is great. I'm right where I should be in terms of timing, pace, and overall progress. But I was kinda hoping for at least a little loss this week (from Friday) just to keep me that much more motivated. But not gaining anything also shows my body is stabilizing into its new life as a fitness-conscious vessel. Or my scale is stuck. Either way.
I've been consistently hitting the gym for 8 days straight. And hitting it hard, too. I pushed through a pretty rough workout Monday and took yesterday off from strength training, focusing instead on a lot of cardio. I'm slowly building up the discipline necessary to maintain weight loss and a fit lifestyle for the long haul.
Food has been a different issue. I've spent a lot of time evaluating how I approach food. I've seen some positive changes - like practicing delayed gratification rather than indulging in whatever craving I have, and eating only until I'm full - but I still struggle with grazing and eating too late at night.
Stress is a pretty big factor this week. There are a ton of little projects going on at work as well as generally large and ill-defined changes at the job too. My overall anxiety level is up. Stress and weight loss go funny together. I notice that on my toughest days I have no appetite and push on through the day, barely noticing my lack of eating. But when that happens too long - it becomes super easy for me to start binging on whatever I can find as soon as I get home. I need to stock my desk with healthy snacks so I can at least eat something to keep my metabolism going. But on the other hand, at least I avoided the vending machine successfully today.
So that's that. Here we are 8 weeks in - pushing through the longest single stretch of fit living during this whole journey. I'm a little concerned about getting stuck on a plateau, but I'll do my best to be real careful about my eating this week to lose the 2 pounds I need to lose this week to stay on track for my next benchmark, 290 by Sept 30.
posted 9/10/08 @ 06:15pm | 1 comment
Tyler Southwick is a YouTube phenomenon amongst the strength training and body building community. Probably 1 part genetics, 3 parts determination and hard work - his strength his impressive and he's able to bench press almost twice his weight. I've seen him around the Interweb for a while, but this video is by far the most incredible demonstration of raw upper body strength I have ever seen.
He's got his own website now - if you have some time check out his other videos that detail his work out routine and more.
posted 9/4/08 @ 06:18pm | 0 comments
Holiday weeks are always a little risky to healthy living regimens. This week, with a trip to the shore, a barbeque with LOTS of steak, my dad's birthday dinner and 3 days without a workout was no different. I did my best, but then I also enjoyed myself and chose not to worry too much.
Read the rest of this post and add a comment here
posted 9/3/08 @ 09:16pm | 0 comments
We played golf today. We try and whack at some balls every so often during the spring, summer, and into the fall. My dad's birthday was yesterday (and I ate waaaayy too much) so my partner and I went out to his place in New Jersey and played a round of golf this morning.
It was a nice day for golf. A little humid, perhaps, especially considering I was not playing my best and ended up all over the course. I also found myself running up and down hills a lot today - this course being on a "mountain" - chasing the little white monster that would not just go in the hole. So there I was, running around up over down around and all the way around again the courses, realizing that this was both a great workout, and my pants were falling down. So today for the first time I had to pull my belt tighter and latch it into the fourth hole! It's getting to the point where i may need new pants because there's more cloth than there is belt.
But all the golfing aside, I started to step ever so lightly into that stage where people start to notice a change. I remember a few years ago when I was attempting a weight loss program and had started going to the gym, I had lost maybe seven pounds and this kind old lady I worked with asked if I was losing weight, because I looked like it. That made my day that I had hardly begun but she took the time to notice and say something.
This post continues on another page, read it here!
posted 8/30/08 @ 01:15pm | 4 comments
Booyah! I've broken through that evil 300-pound barrier! Finally! And it only took 14+ months of failing over and over again. But in any case, here we go - 296.4 pounds!
Actually, I did this yesterday morning with a weigh-in of 297. I was really happy, but also cautious, because that was three pounds in a day. And while that's great, that's fast. And while that speed is fine for a short while, I really want to be careful about losing too much, too fast. Rapid weight loss has its problems (gallstones, loose skin, and other unniceties). That being said, if my body is burning up energy and doing it efficiently, who am I to stop it?
But to try and curb any sort of unhealthy free fall, I went a little heavier on the calories yesterday, or so I thought. I felt full. I felt over-full. Last night I got a salad for dinner, but by the time I got home from the gym, I wasn't even hungry, so I didn't eat it (I picked off the cheese and bacon shards as a pre-gym snack). I thought I might gain a pound or two back, you know, stabilize a little bit under 300. But nope - this morning was another half-pound-plus. Go figure.
The thing is, I recognize I have been eating less and exercising a whole lot more lately. Even in eating less, I don't feel like I am starving myself at all. I start the day with a coffee and a fruit cup (or yogurt parfait) from Starbucks. I usually have a salad and a bread roll for lunch. And then for dinner I may have a salad, or maybe some chicken or other protein, or a SmartOnes microwave-meal (though really, our house is empty of food right now). For a nighttime snack I've been having a spoon or two of peanut butter. And you know what? I'm satiated. And in the gym, I'm very much kicking my own butt with all this intervals training I've been doing.
So I'll take this weight loss, of course! I'm finally below 300 - it's the first time in probably two years that I have been! 100's, here I come!
posted 8/29/08 @ 04:23am | 3 comments
This isn't easy. And it's not fast.
Every day when I get home from the gym and step into the shower, I use the time to imagine my future. I think about what I'll look like, what people will say, all the activities I'll be able to do and the improvements to my daily life that being fit and trim will bring.
Occasionally I catch glimpses of myself in window reflections. Or I try on a shirt, or step on the scale for a mid-week checkup, and all that post-workout hope just fizzles into a heap of "Holy Crap."
The reality is, I weigh a lot. And it took many, many years to get to this point. There is no way it's going to come off quickly. There are times I wish it would all just melt away. As a kid I prayed that God would let me wake up thinner. But there isn't a super pill or a special prayer that instantly fixes everything. It's a journey. And it's long, and it's hard, and it's frustrating, and sometimes it's discouraging. That is, if you focus only on how far you have to go.
I love to hike; near my college there was a trail then went straight up the steep incline of the nearby foothills. It was a mile and a half long (not so bad) that went from nearly zero feet above sea level to over 1,500 (yikes). It's a pretty quick incline, it's a lot of work, and it's a great workout. When you're climbing up this trail, you have a great opportunity to look around you, see nature, see how far you've come, see your town grow smaller and smaller below you. You also occasionally can see up the trail and how far you have to go. That's the part that's dangerous - because while its good to understand the whole journey, if all you focus on is the end, you'll only end up tripping on the rocks, roots, and potholes directly in front of you. When you're hiking up the long mountain trail, you've got to pay more attention to where you are than where you're going, or else you fall down the mountain.
For me, that's how it is with this weight loss journey. Thinking that my BMI will finally be normal only after losing 130+ pounds is discouraging. Lumbering about my giant frame in my muumuu-sized clothes is discouraging. But when I focus on the daily journey - on making each day count, I feel much more rewarded. And mistakes mean less, because I can fix it tomorrow.
It's a day-by-day journey. And I'm losing weight daily.
posted 8/28/08 @ 02:20pm | 0 comments
This has been a big week. It's been a tough week. It's been a successful week, and it's been six weeks since I was kicked in the butt good and hard by what my grandfather said. Six weeks. That's significant because I've almost never made it past the six week mark in any particular weight loss effort. But this time, it snuck up on me. I didn't even see it coming - all of a sudden I was typing "Week 6" and thought that couldn't be right. I'm still double checking the calendar. Six weeks. It's a pleasant surprise.
So was this morning's weekly weigh-in at 300.4 pounds. No, it's not a huge drop from last week. And it's not quite at the below-300 mark I want to be at by the end of August. But it's damn close. And considering that I went out for dinner on Saturday, Sunday brunch, and even last night (with just a half hour walk to account for my workout), I'll take it. I still have a couple days before the end of the month - and I think I can lose a half pound by then.
I'm a bit concerned for this weekend, though. Friday is my dad's birthday, so we're going out for dinner. Sunday and Monday we're going to some friends' shore house, and I'm a little concerned about healthy eating and time away from the gym for the whole weekend. But that being said, I've been much better about making healthy choices even at restaurants - something I've otherwise been notoriously bad at. So considering I should meet my 300 goal by this weekend, I think i'll be okay.
300.4 is the lowest number I've been in a long, long time. I'm making progress - I'm making good progress. My shirts are definitely looser. I'm stronger - in the course of the last six weeks I've not only met my strength training stabilization goals, I'm starting to press harder. I'm doing a lot of high intensity interval training and my standard pace on the elliptical is much lower than it used to be. I actually used the rowing machine for a full 15 minutes (now that's a workout!).
I have hope. I have some big goals. I'd like to be losing 10 pounds a month, which is perhaps a bit ambitious, but I think it's doable. I need to be generally more careful about eating and eating out, and especially ward off the late-night munchies. I need to build muscle. I need to press on. This time it's different - this time I'm making real progress.
posted 8/27/08 @ 07:18am | 0 comments
posted 8/26/08 @ 07:18pm | 0 comments
Yesterday I started adding a new element to my weight loss regimen. Well two new elements, really. Two, horse-size pill elements. Fish Oil and a daily vitamin.
Let me just say there is no such thing as a magic weight loss pill. So despite the benefits I'll be exploring, I have no expectation that the addition of fish oil will suddenly cause my fat to just melt away. Also, I suck at taking daily pills. Seriously. I'll probably make these bottles last a year simply because I never remember to take the damn things. But all that being said, I decided to add in these two supplements (which are rather large pills if you ask me) because it's a clear part of a healthy life I've been missing.
If you've bummed around the weight loss sites you've probably seen the mention of fish oil as a great supplement. More and more research is showing that fish oil has a positive effect on the body overall. Fish oil and it's richness in Omega-3 fatty acids are known to:
There's more to this post, check it out here and leave a comment
posted 8/25/08 @ 06:37pm | 0 comments
Another week, another couple of pounds!
By all counts, it looks like I might actually fall below 300 by the end of the month - just 10 days away! I don't even know when the last time I was under 300 was. 301.6 - it's like I can see hope on the horizon, finally!
I took just one day off last week - Friday. I went a little over and above, with eating out both lunch and dinner, and rather large meals too. I haven't really eaten like that in long enough that my body was not happy with me by the end of the day.
But exercising has been going well. I increased my interval pacing this week to be 90 seconds low and 30 seconds high, increasing the high rate to 95 - 100 reps per minute. It's definitely a workout, but it feels good by the end. And at one point this week, I used the rowing machine for a full 15 minutes - the longest period ever (and that's one of the tougher cardio routines for me). I've now reached my stabilization goals on all my weight exercises too, so I'm going to keep working at those weight levels for a couple of weeks and really build a good baseline to build more strength this fall.
I'm happy with where I am, but I need to be careful over the last week of August not to blow my progress. I'm so close to finally breaking through 300, I want to make it!
posted 8/20/08 @ 07:59pm | 3 comments
I took yesterday off from the exercise and diet regimen and instead took my love on a date. My dad also called and wanted to go to lunch, so I had really taken the day off by the time I had two tasty but less than perfectly healthy meals. The new Woody Allen film, however, is really quite good. By last night my body was not happy with me - it wasn't used to all this crazy food. I feel better today and was back in the gym again.
Not much else to report, really. I've taken a lot of time to get things really back up and running on the blog, so I added a new goal: Learn to Surf, as well as a few new motivational movies and pictures, and a new Inspirational video.
posted 8/16/08 @ 02:33pm | 2 comments
This week was characterized by a mid-week course correction, snatching a win from the jaws of The Blob, or quickly escaping the slope slippery with bacon grease. Today I've set another low record for weight in this now nearly 14-month journey. 303.4 lbs. But it wasn't easy. Here's a graph of where've I've been recently:
posted 8/13/08 @ 06:14pm | 4 comments
Feel like you're in a rut with your exercise regimen? Need to boost your cardio intensity but can't quite eek out a faster pace? Lookin' to get past a plateau? Burn fat faster? Or just stop getting so darn bored doing the same routine every day?
Try Intervals. Not familiar? Then you're in for quite a ride.
Intervals are rather straightforward. You simply alternate between periods of high intensity and low intensity exercise. The goal is to get your heart racing for a little bit, and then it slow down again, and then repeat. Most trainers will suggest going at this for 20 to 30 minutes - and believe me, that's enough!
I do the bulk of my cardio on the elliptical machine. On an average day lately, I shoot for 7 minute miles for at least 4 miles (and have been hitting 6:30 more often), which is a quick enough pace to keep the heart going without totally killing myself. But when its a day that I decide to do intervals, the pace doesn't matter - it's the speed with which I do them. My current basic Intervals routine is 2 minutes low and 1 minute high. For two minutes I'll go at a speed about 60-65 revolutions (strokes, leg movements) per minute. Then for a full minute (which is also when time suddenly slows to a crawl, mind you), I press as hard as I can maxing out at 85-90 revolutions per minute. Then I repeat.
The thing about intervals is I can really feel them working. My heart races and then has ample time to slow down (called active recovery) in time to kick start again. After a couple of sets my energy is usually at a peak for a good 15 minutes, and I can often press as high as 100 revolutions per minute, which is about as fast as my legs can go without falling off the machine. 
Intervals have been a part of weight loss and fitness circles for a while - if you ever take a look at the "Weight Loss" program on some computerized cardio equipment, the shape of the graph is all about the mountains and valleys. But what has been street knowledge amongst the lay fitness community has found itself with some scientific backing.
In one Australian study, 45 women were put on a cycling routine that involved 20 minutes of intervals, at 8 seconds high and 12 seconds low.
"They lost three times more weight as other women who exercised at a continuous, regular pace for 40 minutes," UNSW Associate Professor Steve Boutcher said.That's a pretty fast interval, and there's some hints that that's what's necessary. If you make the low period too short, or allow your heart rate to fall too slow during the active recovery, it's not going to have the same effect. Think of Interval Training as if it were your normal workout, and your normal pace, but with injections of ultra-high boosts. Intervals should boost your average workout, not average out to be the same as every other day.
Their success was due to higher amounts of chemical compounds called catecholamines that are produced in increasing amounts when linked to interval sprinting; the resulting chemical reaction drives greater weight loss.
It did not matter how fit the subjects were before. After interval training, they experienced not only an increase in fat used and in aerobic capacity, but also an increase of enzyme activity in the muscle.Of course, just like every other day, when you do intervals, the fat burning cannot be offset by eating more ... even though you really, really want to. I'm hungry right now, but I've already had dinner and I'm drinking water, but I can feel that those intervals do what they're supposed to! What's nice is you can do them as part of any aerobic activity - elliptical, rowing, walking, running. Just get your heart racing! That could be running, or it could be cranking the incline on the treadmil way high for a few minutes.
posted 8/12/08 @ 07:09pm | 0 comments
This is the first year I've watched the Olympics and really enjoyed them. I think in all years past I was so anti-sports simply because I didn't feel like I could participate. I was always the fat kid, the one who couldn't keep up in gym class. The only sport I ever did okay at was floor hockey as a defender, because I didn't need to run very far. I never felt like I could participate, so I didn't learn anything about sports. So I always felt left out, and watching sporting events just reinforced it.
But this year, I'm in a very different place. I'm working to lose weight, to be fit, to get stronger. I'm more in tune with my body, and I'm starting to respect myself more for it. Because of that I'm really finding myself to have an affinity and a lot more respect for athletes and those who train their bodies into physical excellence.
I want to be one of those people.
I don't just want to be thin and trim, or muscular, or ripped, buff, or svelte. I want to take hold of life and really live it! I don't want to specialize in any one sport; I want to learn karate on Tuesdays, boxing on Thursdays, and kayaking, roller-blading, biking, hiking, tennis or running on Saturdays. I want to be one of those people who don't think twice about just being physically active. My obesity is standing in the way of that, and some day, it won't.
I have a lot of ideas about what kind of goals to have here. I could run 5Ks, 10Ks, or half-marathons. I could pursue a belt in martial arts, or learn to box. I don't know. The body I want isn't just for the sake of looking pretty, its for being more, better, and stronger than I ever have been.
posted 8/11/08 @ 06:41pm | 1 comment
I'm not a fan of weighing oneself every day. There aren't big enough changes to reinforce success, and the likelihood of little temporary up-swings is high. But checking-up in the middle of the week is okay, I think. Today I did that, and eep! I gotta refocus for this week or I'm in trouble. This morning I'm up almost two pounds from Wednesday!
It's actually a little frustrating, because I've been doing so well in the gym. I feel stronger, my clothes even feel a wee bit better. But when I really think about it, I've been eating crap. Friday night we went out and drank a lot. I've not been hydrating with water. I've been binge-eating whatever I could find. All no good. All largely because my fridge is empty. So today it's to the gym again, continuing my routine and laying on a little heavy with the cardio. It's drinking lots of water and hydrating (because I can feel I'm retaining water from not being hydrated enough). And It's to the grocery store! Because when I've not been eating well its time to focus on counting those Weight Watchers points.
posted 8/10/08 @ 08:41am | 0 comments
When I go to the gym, I take along a little notebook and I write down everything I do: what exercises, weights, reps and sets, plus whatever cardio, speed, pace, inclines, etc. It's useful in a few ways. For one, it reminds me what I've done recently and where I left off. For two, it shows me how far I've come (or how far I haven't).
Gaining muscle is essential to losing weight. Muscle at rest burns calories just to exist (basically), fat doesn't. Plus when I lose the fat, I gotta have something there to take its place or else I'll just look like I melted. So I've been working muscles regularly - usually once or twice a week. And to set a bench mark to reach for, I created "stabilization points" for myself on key exercise machines. For example on the Chest Press my Stabilization Goal is 6 sets x 12 reps x 95 pounds. Once I can do that consistently and easily, I'll know I've reached a clearly defined level of strength I've not been to before. The alternative is flopping around the gym from week to week without any real sense of how strong I am, without any focus and no gains.
Yesterday I realized that was where I was. Looking through my little book, I had no pattern to the strength training I've been doing. What exercises I do depends on how I feel, who else is in the gym (intimidation is a big factor for me), how sore I am, how much time I have etc. And the reality was, I haven't been getting stronger. I burn plenty of calories and am sore for a few days but I've not been seeing any significant gains in strength!
So I've started a new regimen. Using my stabilization goals as a bench mark, I've divided the 12 major strength training exercises I do into three day programs, rotating through major muscle groups on each day. My program now consists of:
Day One is the Chest Press (pectorals), Leg Extension (quads), Hip Adduction (inside hips), and Compound Row (back, biceps).
Day Two is the Overhead Press (shoulders), Seated Leg Curl (hamstrings), Hip Abduction (outside hips) and Lateral Pull-down (back/traps)
Day Three relies mainly on the overhead cables: Bicep Curl, Tricep push-down, Standing dead lift (back/traps) and Cross-over Chop (abs/obliques).
Within a day there's no particular order, and ab crunches are sprinkled between day one and two. After Day Three is a day to rest from strength training. And of course I intend to do cardio on all days. I'll keep at this little regimen until I'm "stable" at the weight levels I want to be at. Then I'll move on and keep building muscle, getting stronger, and losing weight.
posted 8/7/08 @ 10:31am | 0 comments
This was a rough week - which I've already more or less talked about. Didn't work out, didn't eat well, drank too much, then my back went out and killed off any real possibility of getting back on the wagon half way through the week. The good part of the story is I only gained back about a pound, and am still below the haunting 307 mark.
It's frustrating when I can go strong for two whole weeks, gain strength, lose weight, only to just give up. That's really what it feels like - I just stop. I convince myself one day to take a break, and then something distracts me the next day, and before I know it everything I've built is being torn apart through lack of motivation, inspiration, whatever.
The only way to get back on the horse before it spins out of control is to start again. As soon as my back loosened up enough to move without crying, I knew I had to get back in the gym - I had to get moving again. And once I do that, once I feel the surge of those endorphins and the feel-good aspect of working out (no matter how gross I feel, look, or feel like I look), it's a whole lot easier to go the next day, and the next one after that.
So here we are starting week 4 and I'm set to make serious strides!
posted 8/6/08 @ 10:23am | 0 comments
It's been a tough week so far. I have no idea what to expect on Wednesday - if I even choose to weigh in on Wednesday. I suppose I probably should, just for consistency, but in any case, here's where my struggles have come from.
Last week we had two nights of impromptu guests and one night of going for dinner with an old friend. Guests are always welcome at our house and impromptu ones all the more. We enjoy people just coming over (provided we know who you are) and making themselves at home. Except that if I don't work out in the morning like I prefer, it can screw me up. And also, I like to drink with friends. And cook for friends. So combine drinking, and eating, with lack of exercise, and you have a recipe for weight gain.
I had Friday off, and this past weekend we were going up to the Catskills for a wedding. The plan for the Catskills was nice and healthy. Good times relaxing, playing some golf, going innertubing down a river. All very healthy and generally good for the soul. And I planned on making up for a week of alcohol and minimal exercise by working out good and hard on my Friday off before heading upstate.
There's more to this post, check it out here along with its comments
posted 8/4/08 @ 02:10pm | 3 comments
I'm always iffy when the government wants to meddle in the everyday and personal lives of people. For example, if the government were to mandate waist sizes or BMI, as Japan is more or less trying to do, that's going too far in my opinion. The ends - a fit and trim nation - may or may not outweigh (no pun intended) the means, but only after a violation of the nation's civil liberty. I'm not a fan of that.
I am a fan of government persuading its people toward healthier living. I've written here on the nature of a fat tax or insurance rebates - I think they're great ideas worth exploring. We already do this in the U.S. - we tax cigarettes. And in New York City and possibly soon the entire state of California, they've banned transfats. New York City has gone above and beyond bans and instituted requirements that fast food joints (or places with standardized food preparation guides) include the caloric information on their menus - above the counter or on the table. And that, I've begun to find out, is a terrific idea.
Don't stop now - read the rest of the post here
posted 7/31/08 @ 08:21pm | 0 comments
Three-hundred four and eight tenths pounds.
It's my lowest recorded weight for this entire weight loss journey. Sure its only 2.5 pounds lighter than last week, but it's 2.5 pounds lighter than last week! That's both a healthy pace, and I've never been that low! Year 2 is off to a great start, it would seem.
I had a couple nights this week where I didn't behave as well. I ate too much, binged a couple of times. I'm not feeling as hungry these days, which is good and a result of weaning off over-processed carbs that melt into fat and leave me hungry just a little while later. I still eat too much bread, and had one night where I went a wee wild on the ice cream, but beyond that, I did reasonably well.
In the gym, I've been doing pretty well. I skipped two days last week because of busyness, but made up for it with three days (Thur, Fri, Sat) of really intensive weight-lifting. My obliques are still a tad sore (not that we see any abs-related results when they're buried under a foot of fat, but I can feel them!). I took Sunday off, because it was a bit tough to move, but on Monday I blew myself out of the water!
Read the rest of this post and add a comment here
posted 7/30/08 @ 08:22am | 0 comments
For anyone who's watching what they eat to lose weight, the importance of a well-balanced diet should be clear. I'm not an advocate of going to an extreme; there's some merit in all types of food - even sugar. The problem is not having sugar, or eating meat, or enjoying pasta. The problem is when we eat too much of any of those things (or eat a bastardized over-processed version of those things - like white bread - that don't appear in nature). I like eating meat. I like eating pasta. And so I do. As part of Year 2, I'm working on decreasing the amount of bread and pasta and cranking way up the amount of vegetables I eat.
Vegetables - the scourge of the child's dinner plate - are really quite good for you. And if you prepare or cook or pair them in the right ways, they can be really quite tasty. Eating lots of fruits and vegetables can reduce the risk of stroke, diabetes, cancer, heart disease, kidney stones, and bone loss.
Don't stop now - read the rest of the post here
posted 7/27/08 @ 10:19am | 1 comment
We fatties get away with a whole lot of excuses in our life because we're obese. I'm not saying it's not always justified or even inaccurate - but being fat does take a toll on a person's emotional well being, state of mind, mental coping mechanism, etc. I know that I blame a lot of my self-esteem issues on having been fat all my life, and all the social not-niceties that results from it while growing up.
But what I do not know is what will happen to my state of mind when I lose this weight. When I'm not fat - or at least not obese - will I still have self-esteem issues? Will I still hate myself? Will I ever be able to accept a normal or nearly normal weight? A cousin of mine never has been able to accept herself - even when she was gorgeously normal weight. My partner fears this for me as well - he doesn't want my self-esteem to be tied to my weight, because if I ever gain it back, he doesn't want me to lose that esteem again. That's fair, but I think it will still always play a major role in how I view myself.
We use our weight as a coping mechanism. We use it as an excuse. And if we don't address our normal coping mechanisms, if we don't understand ourselves well enough to know what is truly a weight-related issue and what may be another emotional issue, we could find ourselves stranded without an excuse. In the video below, Amber from Melting Mama's blog reaches out on this issue. She's been struggling with an issue lately that in the old days, she would cope with by blaming her weight and binge eating. But after weight loss surgery, she's physically incapable of doing that, and she not longer has her crutch. It's her warning to pre-operatives to be prepared to address the emotional side of being fat when you no longer have that excuse, but it goes just as well for anyone who loses weight.
This comes from the Melting Mama blog here - where you can offer her a little note of encouragement, or at least send a graceful prayer out for her.
posted 7/25/08 @ 02:02pm | 0 comments
I flag some of my favorite postings from around the web as I read my daily news - and you can check them out under the "Insights" section. But here's some of the things that have caught my eye.
Are you obsessed with your weight? Weighting Line has a few things to watch out for, or else a careful awareness of your weight and its impact on your life (and your quest to lose it) can turn into an unhealthy obsession.
Losing WAY over 200 pounds is no easy task. But Mike Boyd did it, and Mr. Low Fat Body has the story.
When you get on a treadmill, do you just walk, and walk, and walk? Boring! Avy Barnes has a neat little routine that utilizes the incline on your treadmill. I've been using this in my own treadmill sessions and it really does get the heart pumpin'!
Don't like veggies? It could have something to do with your values.
posted 7/24/08 @ 07:14pm | 0 comments
Well take a look at the little thermometer tool or click over to my Progress section. 307.4 lbs!
This is significant to me because it's right about where I left off when I fell off the wagon a couple months ago. I'm fairly confident I gained a good amount of weight in that time - when on vacation I felt fatter than I'd been in a long time - but the last week and a half allowed me to reset. (I didn't weigh in last week ... I didn't want to risk that kind of discouragement).
It's just a short little jaunt down to the 300 mark. Finally after more than a year of struggling with this weight problem I'm nearly at my first little goal. After that, I'm headed toward 288 - or a 10% loss in body weight. Then 275 - or about what I weighed when I moved to New York. Then 250 - past a barrier that plagued me all through college. Then 225 - what it says on my driver's license (but didn't actually weigh even when I got it). From there the first major finish line is in sight!
posted 7/23/08 @ 07:10am | 1 comment
A friend of mine was trying to lose weight and to do so, he was not eating. Lo and behold, he was getting sick. His stomach wrenched, his gut felt off and he had trouble in the bathroom from time to time. He wasn't getting the fiber and nutrients he needed, because he wasn't eating, and he suffered the consequences.
I've tried the not eating thing. It doesn't work for me. My particular problem is that I treat food as a coping mechanism. So even if I wanted to try to not eat, I just can't. I end up eating anyway. Which led to bingeing, which led to purging, which actually led to 30 pounds of weight loss in my Senior year of high school. Since then I can't do it.
As part of Year 2, I've been refocusing my efforts on eating right. For me, a big of eating right is eating the right amount. It's easy for me to cook healthy food, its another thing to not eat ALL of that healthy food I just cooked. Even healthy food can make you fat if you eat too much of it.
Read the rest of this post and its comments here
posted 7/22/08 @ 10:54am | 1 comment
So here we are a week after that fateful conversation with my grandfather that has really kicked my ass in gear again. Though they've been dulled by time a big, his words haven't left me all week and I've had a very strange sense of determination to lose weight once and for all. I've done my darndest to stick with it.
Eating
I've started eating significantly less than I was. I'm not starving myself - no no, tht is always a bad idea. But gone are the big sandwich lunches complete with a bag of chips and two (yes, two) macadamian nut white chocolate chunk cookies. Every day. That adds up in both money and on the waistline pretty darn quickly. But that's over. I've been getting salads at lunch - very light salads without added meat and calories. And even when my team went out for lunch, I had a sensible salad there too. At home, I have my Weight Watchers microwave meals, or veggies to snack on.
This week wasn't perfect, though, since I went to a friend's house for wine and cheese and had too much of both. Later this past week we went out with some friends for some German food, where I quickly discovered there is no such thing as healthy German food. I had a pork chop and various German trimmings (like Kraut, which i love, and some starchy thing that was tasty too). But I assuage my guilt with the realization that I did not eat everything on my plate. I ate just one portion of meat (they gave me two chops!) and left some of the potato as well.
There's more to this post, check it out here along with its comments
posted 7/20/08 @ 03:31pm | 1 comment
Well since starting again on Monday with more of a furvor, I've done alright. I'm really focusing on the basics to get back in the swing of things. I'm eating less overall (or trying to) and focusing on eating more fruits and vegetables than high calories meats and quick-converting breads. For the most part.
Monday night I binged a bit on bread sticks. They were plain, and whole wheat, but i ate too many. Yesterday I had wine and cheese and crackers with a friend and ate too much of that, too. I tried to bring some fruit and veggies but I didn't eat as many of them as I should have.
I've worked out Monday morning and Wednesday morning. I was out late for work Tuesday and was just too pooped by the time I got home. Today I'm going to try for a good hard workout after work.
My grandfather's words (slam? insult?) is still rattling around in my head, and that's actually keeping me motivated. It's still hard to stay on track, but then I watch videos of guys who lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of muscle in a relatively short time and I think to myself that this may actually be possible!
One day at a time.
posted 7/17/08 @ 07:53am | 0 comments
On June 3rd, I started this whole shindig (post, series). One year later, I was in the middle of not doing anything to lose weight yet again! It's been a hard year. Generally, I don't fail at stuff. In fact, losing weight, being healthy and generally respecting myself is just about the only thing I've ever failed so miserably, so consistently at.
But here we are, over 13 months after I started. And I'm miserable. Not only because I've failed again to get this right, but because of something that happened a couple days ago.
My partner and I just got back from a big family vacation to a small island between the US and Canada. They are known for their fudge. Lots. of. fudge. I was so far past my "diet" I didn't care - I just indulged. Frankly, I'm fine with that. I was, after all, on vacation. I felt fatter than I've felt in a long time, though, but frankly was just on the cusp of almost starting to sorta kinda believe my boyfriend when he says "you're beautiful" that I was okay with it and willing to start again right when I got home. Fast forward to the end of our family trip when we're all reconvening at my grandparent's house after the trip. We're unloading from cars and reloading into others, settling in for a nights rest before a long drive, or whatever.
Most of the family stopped for lunch at a buffet restaurant (we did not). When we next saw my grandfather - a 78-year old man with a penchant for not thinking about what he's saying - comes over and says to us.
"I have to apologize to [Brian]" ([Brian] is my cousin's 10-year-old son, whom we rarely see).
Why apologize, we ask.
"Well you know we all went to the restaurant, and [Brian] kept going back to the buffet. At about his fourth helping of hash browns I says to him 'Now, [Brian], you keep eating like that and you're going to be as big as [LWD] ! '. And the look on his face!" he then feigns [Brian's] supposed look of horror at being as big as me.
I ... didn't know what to say, or do, or anything. I tried not to react, I tried to process what he just said. Basically it boiled down to:
posted 7/13/08 @ 07:18pm | 1 comment
It's gonna be a crazy week for me - with travel and work. So here's a funny way to start the week, and forgive me if my posts tend to be more pictorial than prose this week.
posted 5/11/08 @ 11:17am | 4 comments
This week I'm learning more about taking the long view in life.
I'm in the middle of yet another stressful time at work. We have two major projects due on the same day in addition to everything else that's going on. Of course these all came up after vacation schedules were set so we've been on smaller staffs on and off for the course of the whole project. My own vacation is scheduled for the days after these things are due - and I fully intend to take advantage of doing nothing related to my job for those days.
But they are weeks off - and for the time being I'm stuck in the now. It would be easy to get bogged down, stressed out, depressed and all around unhappy with work and life because of all this. I'm probably missing out on some fun times with my partner and friends - I'm going to miss a friend's gig and probably a concert. But that vacation is just around the corner - I can see the future and it is pool side with a glass of wine and good friends, diet be damned.
Keep reading! Just click here for the full post
posted 5/8/08 @ 08:03am | 2 comments
The human body wants to be healthy - and if we give it just a little nudge, it'll run as far as it can with it until the next nudge. Over the last year, I've lost hardly any weight, but that's largely because I keep giving up and falling off the horse, over and over and over. But almost every time I climb back up onto my battered and beaten old filly, I find that my body is ready and willing to start down the journey one more time.
Now there's been some talk in the fitness circles that if you lose weight, and then gain it back, it's harder to start losing it again. I've seen that in my own journey, so I believe it. But push a little bit past that and you'll begin to see the body respond wonderfully to the things we put it through.
Keep reading! Just click here for the full post
posted 5/7/08 @ 01:49pm | 1 comment
Every time you make a choice, you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And, taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a Heaven creature or into a hellish creature ... Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other. (CS Lewis)I'll be the first to admit that losing weight is not easy. My life is a testament to that reality. I'm 10 months into this journey and I'm just as fat as when I started. By any account, so far, I'm failing. But why?
This post continues on another page, read it here!
posted 5/5/08 @ 07:01pm | 0 comments
I try not to make so many posts in a single week about my specific efforts or pats on the back, but this is an unusual week for me anyway.
For starters, work is getting crazier by the day. As if we weren't absolutely slammed with a huge project due in a quarter of the time actually necessary, we now have another large-ish project due on the very same day. And that's not even taking into account all the other clients I'm supporting. Boy howdy do I need a vacation - and I have one coming up around Memorial Day (seriously considering extending it).
The thing is, I react badly to stress. On the one hand - at the office and during the day I use stress as a great motivator. It keeps me alert, it keeps me on top of things, and I run my own little command and control center. But at home I tend to come crashing down, and then I start eating. Like crazy. And if I hadn't already taken precautions like buying microwave meals ahead of time, I'd be going out every day for $13+ lunches that are triple what I actually need to eat. Eating is comfort for me, it's what I do. I do it well.
There's more to this post, check it out here along with its comments
posted 5/1/08 @ 08:14am | 1 comment
If you're anything like me, some of the weight machines at the gym can really be intimidated. Sure, we all know what a bicep curl is, but do you know how to use that massive scary overhead cable contraption? Or that weird mess of misshapen metal you're supposed to contort into and the press against? That stuff is confusing - and it's somewhat embarrassing to spend too long studying the little graphic to figure it out.
Well the Internet, of course, is chock-full of exercise videos. Just search YouTube and you'll find all sorts of examples and big strapping jocks (and a few helpful average joes) showing all sorts of ways to use equipment - all in the comfort privacy of your home. But when you're actually at the gym, it would be helpful to be able to see examples of how to do the exercises whenever you need. Well, for that I have created myself a great little solution - one that I'm actually somewhat proud of myself for, so I simply have to share.
There's more to this post, check it out here and leave a comment
posted 4/30/08 @ 07:25am | 0 comments
It's Tuesday! And today that means...
posted 4/29/08 @ 07:19pm | 1 comment
It's been a rough week. I had all sorts of ideas for things to write this week, but it didn't happen. By the time I got home each day I was more tired than the day before, but the following morning meant getting up early and working again. On Wednesday my work day started at 6am. Every project was hitting at once this week like a tidal wave of deadlines and useless jerks I'm forced to work with sometimes. But then last night I went to a friend's gig, drank a lot of gin and tonic, enjoyed the company of friends, and it was wonderful. I woke up this morning feeling ... well, satiated. Like all the week's craziness washed away and its just a lazy, overcast Saturday morning.
I did not make it to the gym, but I did eat well - at least during the days. In ages past, crazy stressed-out work weeks usually led to big comfort-eating lunches. But this was the second week of being smart and going to the grocery store and stocking the office with microwave meals. I didn't always do as well at home - reaching for the ice cream and chips and God knows what else. But I'm counting on little wins here.
Don't stop now - read the rest of the post here
posted 4/26/08 @ 09:59am | 1 comment
... which really just means I have no more excuses.
I went for a blood test a couple of weeks ago to see about my thyroid. I've long known that a messed up thyroid can hinder weight loss efforts, so I at least wanted to eliminate the possibility that all my efforts have been derailed by a tiny little organ. If nothing else, I'd find out that I just need to haul booty and work harder.
As it turns out, not only do I not have a thyroid problem, I have no blood problems. I have perfect blood. Better than perfect blood, my doctor tells me. No diabetes, no thyroid issues, no ... bunch of other things he said. And what really amazed him was my bad cholesterol was low, and my good cholesterol was actually quite high. In other words, I'm generally fit as a fiddle, blood-wise.
There's more to this post, check it out here along with its comments
posted 4/22/08 @ 06:13pm | 1 comment
There's kind of no way around it. What should have been a great ramp-up for spring and this new blog and all sorts of weight loss goodness, I basically ... didn't. Story of my life. I will say there was one good thing, however, on Monday I went to buy healthy microwave meals for lunch instead of going out for lunch every day this week. That was about where my good behavior ended, however.
I went to Starbucks a lot. I allow myself coffee these days but then I find myself getting something else - either for breakfast or for a snack. You know - that heavy on the butter fattening junk they have in that delectable case. If there were treats or other unhealthy goodies in the kitchen at the office, I ate them. Instead of making my own dinner, I stopped off the deli downstairs on the way home and got food from them - which is both expensive and unhealthy. Friday I even got my old drink at Starbucks, the Venti Iced Vanilla Latte. And no, of course I didn't go to the gym. At all. Just who do you think I am?
So it hasn't been good. I've got to change that once and for all. I'm finding some resolve in the latest "Inspiration" story I've posted, the story of LoseToGain - who has lost 236 pounds in about 2 years. I also added a new goal (Go on a Cruise!) and some motivational fit imagery to kickstart myself and get back on this journey the right way. And I decided to take Gina up on her suggestion - joining the President's Challenge.
Don't stop now - read the rest of the post here
posted 4/20/08 @ 01:14pm | 0 comments
It's Spring!
And How! The last few days here in New York City have been absolutely beautiful. The sun shines bright, a cool breeze off the bay. And since I live on a small island in the East River next to Manhattan, it's all the more gentle and downright luxurious. Being outside is like being wrapped in a silk blanket of happy. No need for a coat anymore - it's springtime!
It was such a nice day this past Friday I just had to get out of my office for a few minutes (especially since I'm spending so much time in my office lately). The only downside was the random and jarring reminder found in my reflection in random glass windows or doors. It reminds me of exactly why I like wearing a coat.
The thing about a coat, is that it gives me the impression, the feeling of being hidden. I can wrap up in a coat, and psychologically pretend that my shame is obfuscated by the extra fabric. I did this all in high school too - I'd wear my Columbia wind-breaker-esque jacket on all day long, because in a way, it was comforting, protecting, in its own way.
Don't stop now - read the rest of the post here
posted 4/20/08 @ 07:27am | 0 comments
My partner and I are very much in love - and more so every day. He is
my world, my reason for waking up in the morning, my motivation for
working hard and occasionally hardly working. Any shred of time I get
to spend with him I try to take. And the idea that my being obese could
put that all at risk is sobering, downright frightening, and hurts more
than any of the other obesity realities I've blogged about thus far.
Now,
I know that he is not going to leave me me because I'm fat (though that has happened in the past). But being obese has a real impact on our
relationship - and what few problems we do have on occasion can be
traced in part to the effects obesity has on me. The reality is that in
my present state of physical being, I can't do or be everything that I
should be for my partner.
Don't stop now - read the rest of the post here
posted 4/19/08 @ 09:00am | 4 comments
In my last post I talked about how being obese limits my friendships. A similar point is that being obese is lonely.
Search
the web for others who are on their weight loss journey and willing to
talk about it and you'll come up with few websites. You'll find fewer
still those who have consistently stuck with their commitments to lose
weight. Now try narrowing that to obese or overweight men who are
actually trying hard to lose weight and willing to talk about it. Now try narrowing that to gay men. There just aren't very many of us.
There's more to this post, check it out here along with its comments
posted 4/18/08 @ 07:23am | 1 comment
This is a tough one to quantify - because few people will ever admit
it. But ask any obese person walking down the street and they'll be
able to tell you that people don't like to be around, make friends
with, or generally associate with fatties.
I've never had a
lot of friends. In grade school and high school it was very much
because I was fat. Things are a lot clearer when you're younger because
your fellow children are brutally more honest. They tell you
they don't like you because you're fat. In another way of looking at
it, though, my being fat drove me into the back corner and generally
contributed to my being introverted, which ultimately leads to not
having a lot of friends since people can't get to know you.
This post continues on another page, read it here!
posted 4/17/08 @ 07:22am | 0 comments
You probably don't know the Karshner triplets by name, but if you watched television ads a few years ago, you probably have seen them. They were the spokesmen for Cingular - the three teenage brothers who just loved staying in touch, and then went to college, then came home from college, and then Cingular merged with AT&T, alas. In any case here's a reminder:
posted 4/16/08 @ 08:00pm | 3 comments
Over the years, life as an obese man has robbed me of my confidence. And with that loss went the faith in myself to speak up.
In
my mind I am opinionated. Things come together in my min and make sense
in ways many others wouldn't necessarily see. I have beliefs and world
views that I feel are valid and worth discussing. But I rarely speak up
with my opinion, or point of view, or even at all. If someone does
something stupid on the subway, or somehow affronts or offends me, I
generally let it slide and don't speak up, not even if I'd be entirely
right in doing so, even if standing up for someone else.
There's more to this post, check it out here and leave a comment
posted 4/16/08 @ 08:21am | 0 comments
"Being overweight can damage your career."
This Reuters article explains the results of a study that shows the
stereotypes surrounding obese people are alive and well in the
workplace.
The researchers found the results of all the studies examined were consistent in finding that people who are overweight are viewed more negatively in the workplace than those who are of average weight.I've built a pretty good career as a web professional; I don't know of an instance where my obesity prevented me from getting a job I wanted. But after the hiring, I have felt its impact.
The bias was felt most when overweight people applied for a job and went through the initial selection process with body weight found to be less of a factor at the performance evaluation stage, and with stereotypes having a minimum influence when it comes to promotions.
"Some of the basic stereotypes associated with being overweight include laziness, sloppiness, untidiness and lack of self-discipline and control," he said.
Keep reading! Just click here for the full post
posted 4/15/08 @ 11:20am | 7 comments
I love to travel. I love to be in Europe, sitting on a random plaza in
Amsterdam sipping espresso (espresso, i swear!), or exploring ancient
history in Bath (England), or just relaxing on a green hillside along
the banks of Lake Zurichsee - I love to travel. A major reason for
taking my last job was that HQ was in Frankfurt, and off to Europe I'd
go a couple times a year. I've been to Romania and Hungary three times,
Cameroon, and eventually I'll live in England (lost count as to how
many times I've been there already). Even within the US I love business
trips just for the sake of going places. I've driven cross-country
through the desert more times than I can remember.
I love to travel. I love to get on a plane and go places. But being obese does rob me of some of that joy.
Take
the airplane, for example. Airplane seats are notoriously narrow.
Flying Delta is downright painful. And even if I do get my giant ass
wedged in between the armrests, there's the matter of the seat belt.
Older planes were clearly designed before the age of American obesity -
where the seat belts are a good 6-10 inches shorter than more modern
planes. Virgin Atlantic I thought I would pop trying to strap myself
in. Even my favorite airline Continental has older planes with this
problem. Thank God I've yet to be in a situation where I have to ask
for a seatbelt extender. I promised myself I never would - and that
means losing weight.
Read the rest of this post and its comments here
posted 4/14/08 @ 10:18am | 1 comment
Deep down, I know I don't look good. For all my partner's protestations
at this, by otherwise unbiased judgments, I'm no looker. For years I
was told "you have a cute face," with an implied "at least." I accept
that.
The thing is, when you're already resigned to the fact
that society at large, including friends, family, colleagues and random
people you meet that shy away from you for it, there's little more you
want to do. You can put lipstick on a pig, after all, but its still a
pig. So why bother?
Read the rest of this post and add a comment here
posted 4/13/08 @ 09:16am | 0 comments
This one is a mix of math and emotions. I have a deep-rooted problem of
comforting myself with food. Perhaps its tied to my ongoing battle with
depression, perhaps its something I sort of learned from watching my
mother's similar coping technique. But when I'm depressed, or upset, or
nervous, or generally down or bored, my coping mechanism is to eat.
Yes, this just leads to my being fatter, but there's a practical side
to it as well - it's expensive.
When I don't get groceries, I
order out for us. Pizza or Chinese or whatever. Unhealthy as all get
out, right? Yes - that's what dieters tend to focus on, right? Oh the
calories! But pizza (and/or breadsticks plus sodas and tip) can run $30
or more. Chinese, $20. And then there's lunch. When I'm going out for
lunch every day, I don't control myself well at all. I have this weird
thing that I'm afraid what I'm getting won't be enough, so I get a
little bit more. Say, a sandwich and a soup. or a bigger sandwich and 2
(yes, 2) cookies. Or even worse - in New York it's common to get food
from a buffet and pay by the pound (pounds!). I can easily run up a
lunch bill of $12-17 a day without breaking more of a sweat than the
walk from the office.
Keep reading! Just click here for the full post
posted 4/12/08 @ 05:06pm | 1 comment
Last summer I identified a few programs that insurers and governments were trying out in an effort to promote healthier living. Insurance programs are starting to build in Fat clauses that punish the obese and/or require improvement to keep deductibles and premiums lower. That makes sense. So does taxing fat, like the UK has considered. So would subsidizing healthy food, which few seem to try (though programs to get fresh produce into poor neighborhood bodegas are in their early stages).
Now it would seem that certain governments are getting heavier handed methods a shot. Take Japan, for example. Aside from sumo wrestlers, the Japanese don't have America's reputation for corpulence; even so, the rate of overweight adults has been increasing along with the rest of the industrialized world.
In a rather uniquely Japanese campaign, the government there is using mass media, public education, and peer pressure to encourage people to stay svelte. The most significant program? Requiring businesses to get their staff thin.
Keep reading! Just click here for the full post
posted 4/12/08 @ 03:30pm | 134 comments
Welcome to the new site!
I've been absent from my blog (and, alas, the gym) for a couple of weeks working on this little baby (also not feeling well, busy with anniversaries and birthdays, and other assorted activities). I've been wanting to do a lot with my blog - expand its features and make it more visually rich and inspiring. As a full-blown website, it also is something I truly have to invest in and maintain, which in turn motivates me to stay on track with my weight loss endeavors.
So what will you find here? Well - the blog is still here. Just click "Blog" above! But to make things a little easier, I've started classifying my blog entries into different series. For example, this is the third great attempt to lose weight. The first two - Chapters 1 and 2 - had varied bits of success and their own stories to tell. So I've given them their own sections in the Blog.
Joining the Blog are some new cousins ...
Progress
I got a lot of comments on my nifty little progress thermometer ... now that thermometer's been blown out into more detailed reports on how I'm coming along. The results aren't pretty right now, but soon they will be.
Goals
The Goals and Rewards I've been posting have been an important part of my weight loss journey. Now they get their own sections.
Motivation
What does a fit, healthy, trim, muscular male body - like the one I want - actually look like? Seeing my possible future self is motivational. And eye candy doesn't hurt either. Shirtless men abound (but it'll stay tasteful, I promise).
Inspiration
Lastly, the new Inspiration section tells the stories of others who are on this journey too. Losing weight is possible - and I know it because of the people I'll profile here. Every day I read a lot of blogs about nutrition, health and dieting - and I include some of the best posts here as well. Looking for pick-me-up? Check out the links from this section.
So welcome, again, to the new blog. Please comment. Email me new ideas, content, or your own stories. Spread the word with a link on your site. There's a new RSS feed so if you use a reader, be sure to pick it up! Let me know if you see anything wonky. In any case, I hope you enjoy it, and let me know how to keep improving.
posted 4/10/08 @ 08:11pm | 0 comments
This post begins a series where I'm forcing myself to understand the
havoc being obese wreaks or could wreak on my life. We all know the
basics of shorter life spans, high risk of heart attacks, etc. But all
of that is potential impacts and generally in the far future (or at
least, farther future) and isn't "real" for me. My obesity has a major
impact in my day-to-day life, and I need to realize the extent of it in
order to truly grasp the importance of this journey. Of all obesity's
chaos in my life, much of it is greatly influenced by the subject of
today's post - depression.
I've struggled with depression for a
significant part of my life. It's not something that I generally talk
about, and really only my partner has any inkling of how tightly it can
grip me and how badly its effects can wrack with my day to day life.
It's impossible, really, to know where depression comes from or why
it's hard to break out of it; part of it could be genetic (my mother
has depressive issues), but I also know that my battles with depression
have always been closely intertwined with my struggle with my weight.
It's
hard for anyone who hasn't experienced depression to understand it;
it's hard to describe it in a way that doesn't make me sound batty. For
a simple explanation, one should understand that I'm a big dreamer and
a consistent performer. I have eyes for big prizes and I've always been
the kind of person that is able to get things done and done well. I
like to stay in control of my life and at least have an idea of where
I'm going even if I don't have any specific goals at the time.
Depression robs me of any motivation, any drive, and really, any hope
of meeting my goals and living my dreams.
Depression, for me, is
an overwhelming capitulation to hopelessness, or an incessant and
nagging maxim of "Why Bother?" It sits me on the couch instead of
cleaning the house. It convinces me to overeat the carbs and sugars and
ice cream because it doesn't really matter - someone as fat as me
cannot possibly be thin and attractive. Depression instructs me to
order Chinese or pizza for the third time or more this week, because
don't you just feel too tired to cook?
My obesity comes into
play whenever I the reality of how fat I really am is made clear to me
- either through looking in the mirror or through some social
awkwardness or intimidation. Self pity and self doubt take root in my
mind, and soon after coalesce into loathing and self-hatred. I hate
myself for who I am, for being a constant failure in the weight loss
game, for robbing my partner of an attractive and enjoyable mate, for
wasting my life and money and time on food, for being so lazy that I
can't even motivate myself to the gym, and so on and so forth.
Being
obese is a direct contributor to my struggle with depression. Worse
still, my obesity feeds my depression and depression's self-loathing
feeds my obesity as I reach for that comforting pint of ice cream or
anything else consumable that might ease the pain my brain inflicts on
itself. This negative feedback loop is eventually broken as I haul ass
back to the gym and convince myself to finally go grocery shopping so I
don't have to order dinner yet one more time. But the impetuses for
breaking out of these depression cycles come harder and harder each
time. Even as I recognize when I'm just in a depression cycle and my
perception of reality is tainted, it's harder every time to ramp up and
get on with the right activity.
I will likely struggle with
depression for the rest of my life. Being thin won't solve all such
problems, but removing such a major contributing factor will certainly
help. Moreover, I'm pretty good at recognizing and understanding my
depressive cycles, and I think the major life win of losing so much
weight will help me break from them more quickly and easily over time.
And scoring such an important win will do much more wonders for my life
than some seratonin-adjusting pill ever could.
posted 3/19/08 @ 08:15pm | 1 comment
Each time I try and climb back on the horse, I fall off again. And I
usually fall off pretty hard. This latest failure began, as most good
failures do, with Christmas. I was doing so well. I'd caught up to my
horse, climbed back up, and started full tilt yet again towards my
goal.
I've had a lot of so-called 'secret weapons' on this
haphazard journey of weight loss. I started with some homegrown
strategy of zero caffeine, controlled and limited caloric intake (by
tracking calories), and trying to exercise twice a day. Despite a
rought start, I managed to stick with my general plan for quite a while
there - up to at least 6 weeks. Then cam vacation and I let myself slip
ever so slightly, and then I basically just ... stopped ... or
something. A lot was going wrong with my job in September, and I was in
the process of leaving it and under a lot of stress. I had to restart all over again after regaining everything I'd lost.
Restarting
was hard, and about a month later I started Weight Watchers. The weight
melted off at first, then waned just a bit (as expected). Then came
Thanksgiving, which was risky but I survived it pretty well. Christmas
was my end, however, and I just kind of gave up.
I'm not sure
why I've been having so much trouble with this. I've been at this
journey for over 8 months now, with absolutely no results.
I've
asked others about their motivation, tried to examine my own life and
thoughts and mind and heart, and continue to seek inspiration to get
myself off my ass and ride the elevator the 8 full floors to our
private gym. Like that's so hard?
I'm quite upset with myself.
And it's only some serious conversations with my partner that really
shock me back into the clear realization of how bad off I'd really
gotten. Over the next several days I'm going to be blogging the real
world impact of my obesity, as a way to make and keep it clear how
serious my situation really is.
I've restarted. I'm back on
Weight Watchers. I'm cooking again. I'm working out again - this time
in the mornings with a greater focus on weight training. I weighed in
this morning at 316. I'm back on my beaten down, duct taped and
hobbling horse and hoping - deeply - I can do it this time.
posted 2/28/08 @ 05:54pm | 1 comment
